Public Service Announcement #3

This month, I want us to work on eliminating this phrase:

"I like long walks on the beach."

Example: My name's Julianna, and I like long walks on the beach.

Why am I targeting this one, you may ask? BECAUSE I CAN'T LISTEN TO IT ANYMORE.

Here's the weird thing about this phrase: I'm sure it started out as a sincere way to introduce oneself on...say...dating service videos. And then it was overused to the point that people started saying it as a joke. Oh, and what a funny joke it was for people to introduce themselves that way at work and school and church and such. Har har har. And then the joke got less funny over the years as people continued to introduce themselves that way at work and school and church and such. Har har. And now it's decidedly UNfunny when people introduce themselves this way at work and school and church and such, but we feel obligated to give out at least one "Har".

No more. Let's do away with that final "Har".

If you are one of those hundreds of people that STILL thinks this is a clever way to introduce yourself, let me enlighten you. IT'S NOT. You might as well stand up and say, "My name is ______, and I like being unoriginal." (Ironically enough, it would be more original for you to say you like being unoriginal, but whatever.) And, if you are one of those hundreds of people that STILL laughs when someone introduces himself with the beach phrase, I beg you to stop encouraging this.

I submit that the next time someone tries to get a laugh by using this phrase, we all choose to stay completely silent. No laughter. If you can make a cricket chirping noise, do so. Feel free to glare at the person who uses the stale phrase. Make him feel so embarrassed that he will never say it or laugh at it ever again.

I know it sounds harsh, but it must be done.

Go forth, my people. Grab your literary pitchforks and slay the ogre that is "I like long walks on the beach"!

ERG!!!

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to be able to take the GRE. Ah, there's nothing like spending a gorgeous fall day trapped inside a small, dark testing center taking a mind-taxing test for four hours.

Actually, the test itself wasn't TOO bad. Except for the math part. So help me, I will never be able to figure out how to find the area of one shape circumscribed about another shape.


URG. I just about have an aneurysm when I look at those problems.

Anyway, the worst part of the whole test was actually the hoops I had to jump through BEFORE the test started. They don't allow you to have food or water in there, and they monitor how many breaks you take. They also literally make you turn your pockets inside out before you go in. I understand the principles behind this, but it's sad to me that we have gotten to this point as a society. We can't just treat people like adults. We have to treat everyone like disobedient children, because there are too many dirty, rotten cheaters.

Oh! But that wasn't the worst part. The test itself started with a tutorial about the computer. Literally, the first part of the tutorial said, "This is a mouse. This is how you use the mouse. Practice clicking the mouse." It then proceeded to teach you about all sorts of *difficult* skills like scrolling and other such complex computer functions.

What the what?

Let's think about this for a minute. The GRE is designed to assess the competency level of people who are getting ready to attend grad school. So, here I am, ready to be tested on whether or not I know the antonym of words like cosset and misanthropic, and whether or not I can solve 48 math questions in 45 minutes. Somehow, these skills are supposed to inform admissions officials about my ability to perform well in school. But the test-makers are assuming that there's a possibility that I won't know how to operate a mouse. AND THIS IS ACCEPTABLE??!

Call me crazy, but I think it's a lot more important for a potential grad school student to know how to perform basic computer functions, than it is for a potential grad school student to know what pulchritudinous means. (Frankly, if anyone ever uses that word in my presence, I will punch him in the face. "IT MEANS BEAUTIFUL!! JUST SAY BEAUTIFUL!!") If you don't know how to click a mouse, you are going to have a hard time anywhere, frankly.

This is just one more thing that bothers me about the whole world of academics. We are all tested on skills that aren't entirely applicable in real world situations, while USEFUL skills are neglected. I don't care if you can quote all of the words in the dictionary or do wonders with imaginary numbers. If you can't figure out how to navigate around a computer or carry on a conversation with human beings, you have some work to do.


Common sense, my dears. It's worth a lot more than that GRE. Or, it should be worth more, anyway.

Well, at least that part of my grad school prep is out of the way! Now it's on to other things. I'm on my way to Chicago this weekend to check out Columbia College, so I hope that all goes well.

And when I say "I hope that all goes well", I really mean, "I hope I don't get raped". (Thanks, Dad, for giving me a complex by telling me about the muggings that happen in Chicago. I love you.)

Wish me luck, my dears! And if I don't make it back, carry on the Hermit blogging without me.

Love you, mean it.

Jules

Eureka!

I love small town people.

When I say that, I actually mean people who live in small towns...as opposed to town people who are small. (Though I'm sure the small people are just as love-able.)

Why do I love the citizens of small towns? They're so gosh-darn easy going. That is why I want to take some time today to commend Eureka for its complete and total awesomeness.

We took a large group of people to Eureka last week to do some filming for Demon Chicken (premiering Dec. 9 in Pleasant Grove, peeps). Now, most people in "normal" cities would have a hernia if a drove of college-aged kids showed up in full make up to film a low budget movie, but not the good people of Eureka. No sir. They were excited about letting us use their town. Like, wanted to take pictures with us, excited. Like, wanted to help film, excited.

I'd especially like to take a moment to give a shout out to two very special Eurekans.

To Billy, the nice elderly gentleman who let us film in his buildings, you totally rock. And I think your idea of making a "topless bar" out of your roofless building is fantastic. Perhaps a little inappropriate and too progressive for a sleepy town, but fantastic nonetheless.

And to Craig, you might be the coolest sheriff I've ever met. Everyone, I want you to picture this in your head: Imagine that you are a sheriff. Yes, you. You are driving down the road in your sheriffy car, when you see some people running around dressed as zombies. "Huh," you think. "That's strange." Then you look across the street and see a girl (that would be me, Jules) dressed in nothing but a towel, being airbrushed blue. Now, you might be tempted to take some sort of disciplinary action against these hooligans, right? Well, not Craig! He drove his truck right up to me and said, "Hey. This looked like fun, so I thought I'd come over and see what you're doing."

Here's to you, Craig. And Billy. And Eureka.

Cheers.

Public Service Announcement #2

Good job with refraining from using "git er done", my minions. Statistics show* that "git er done" usage is down by 36%. (Of course, it just went up since I used it twice. Blast.)

Even though we've cut back on one annoying phrase, though, there are many more out there. We've got work to do.

*Inspiring music begins to play in the background. You may all turn on the Braveheart soundtrack now.*

The fight may be long. The fight may be hard. There may be days when we feel like we are going to be overrun by the vast amount of people who don't know how speak correctly. BUT WE WILL NOT GIVE UP! We will not falter! Together we will show the world that they can continue to speak like idiots, but they can never make us speak like idiots!

*Music reaches a climactic point, and Jules raises her sword into the air.*

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT NUMBER 2!!!!!

*Cheers fill the air.*

Ahem.

All right, here's the phrase we need to boycott this week:

"I could care less."

Example: "I don't want to hear your opinion. I could care less about what you think."

Hmmm. Think about it. If you COULD care less about what I think, why don't you go ahead and care less? What you mean to say is, "I COULDN'T care less about what you think."

There you go.

Go forth, my friends. Rid the world of "could care less".

I'm going to go off and help Scotland win its freedom.

(For the "Sons of Scotland" speech, skip to 4:28.)



Oh, Braveheart. I love you.

*All statistics are made up on the spot by me.

Great Googly Moogly

Dear Computer Users Everywhere,

Before you decide to venture on to the interweb, please be sure that you understand the difference between the URL address bar (the place where you type in web addresses) and Google (a search engine). Believe it or not, there are some web sites that are missed by Google's all-seeing eye.

(I was going to make some nerdy comment about how even the all-seeing eye of Sauron missed Frodo Baggins, but I'm way too cool to even know about such things. *Jules has shifty eyes as she pushes her glasses further up on the bridge of her nose.*)

Ahem.

Anyway, friends, please take my advice and learn how to GO to a website instead of SEARCH for it. And, if you can't learn the difference, please don't call customer service and get frustrated when you can't find a website.

Much love,

Jules

You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride This Ride

MEN OF THE WORLD:

Do you lack ambition? Did you not eat your vegetables when you were children?

WHY ARE YOU SO SHORT?!

I'm 5' 9 1/2". I'm not a freak of nature or anything. It should be possible for you to be taller than I am. And it would be preferable if you could still be taller than me when I'm wearing 3 inch high heels.

That's all, really.

I. Am. Job.

Guess what, friends? I officially have a job again! *The world lets out a collective sigh of relief.* If someone with a bachelor's degree in music can find a job in this poor economy, surely anything can be accomplished.

So let's cure cancer now, mmkay? It can' be that hard, right?

Right.