Tuesday, March 9, 2010

One more thing I need to add to my list of "Stupid things I'm WAY too opinionated about."

Normally, here at A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums, I try to stick to casual topics. Today, however, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that I have to delve into a more serious issue. I hope you will bear with me so that together we can keep others from suffering through one of the most terrible experiences the human body can endure.

I'm talking, of course, about squishy pickles.

Can anything be worse than expecting to bite into a crisp pickle, and instead discovering that your mouth is filled with a nasty, mushy, dill-tasting, caterpillar-ish thing?

I submit to you that nothing can be worse. (Okay. Genocide/Starvation/AIDS/Natural Disasters/The Common Cold MIGHT be worse. It's open to interpretation.)

Millions   Hundreds  A couple of people each year suffer through squishy pickles in silence.  Or by letting out audible screams of "Gah!  Bad pickle!" and spitting them into a trash can so they can eat a different pickle.

IS THERE NO MERCY?!  This tragedy must stop.

I suggest that our first course of action is to boycott squishy pickles.  BEHOLD!  The first product to be put on the GAH! BAD PICKLE list:

Milwaukee's Midget Kosher Dill Pickles:

Though this may claim to be "Wisconsin's Hometown Favorite", don't be deceived!  Either this is a bold-faced lie, or you should never trust the opinion of Wisconsinites.  (Wisconsonians?  Wisconsinese?  Whatever.)  This jar is just one big squishy pickle disaster after another.  (Plus, it's not very politically correct, is it?  Midget pickles.  Tsk Tsk.  Little People pickles is the appropriate term.) Don't give in to it.  

Together we can end the hurting.  We can stop the squishy pickle assault.

It's up to you.


Jeff said...

Quite possibly my favorite blog post ever. EVER. I mean it. I laughed really hard.

Tyler said...

I spent 15 minutes of my precious grocery shopping time tonight scouring the shelves for a suitable jar of pickles. I am not making this up. I have successfully avoided eating a squishy pickle since the winter of 2006. I am also not making this up. I will never forget how gross that squishy pickle was.

I love pickles, but everyone knows three things: (1) there are good pickles, (2) there are bad pickles, and (3) eating one bad pickle can destrow the desire to consume pickles for a great deal of time.

Jen Duke said...

That was one of the funniest blog posts I've read in a loooong while. You are one funny girl.

key said...

You are just wrong about Milwaukee's Midget Kosher Dill Pickles. I almost never find a mushy pickle and we eat them all the time. Those are my favorite pickles precisely because they are crisp and delicious. If you want guaranteed mushy pickles, go with Vlasic.


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