Go back to the depths from which you came, foul beast!

The sewing machine is probably one of the most frustrating appliances I've ever dealt with.

All I wanted to do today was to sew a zipper on to a dress. JUST A ZIPPER. Should be easy, right? Nope. First of all, the last time I handled a sewing machine was in my eighth grade home economics class, and I'm pretty sure my teacher mentally murdered me after I broke three of the devil machines. I swear that I was doing everything that she taught me to do! I just have a complicated relationships with those things.

Hence, tonight's four-hour adventure with the zipper and the sewing machine.

Well, it wasn't so much an adventure as it was me trying to keep myself from screaming profanities.

"DAMN YOU, MACHINE!"

"Thread the bobbin. Thread the bobbin. THREAD THE @*$%&@*# BOBBIN!!"

"Zipper foot? What's a zipper foot, and where is it?!"

*Hysterical Crying*

"Um, Dad? Let's have some bonding time...while you help me figure out how to use this thing."

"WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT WORKING?!"

*Taking a break to eat a giant bowl of ice cream*

"DIE! DIE!!!!!!" *Jules grabs a sledge hammer and smashes the demon* MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Okay. I made that last part up.

No worries, though. I conquered the beast, and now my dress has a zipper! And, oddly enough, I have this urge to take up sewing.... I need to get my head examined.

If I you weren't a kind institute teacher, I would kick you.

This was an actual conversation I had with a well-meaning institute teacher the other day:

Teacher: Weren't you engaged a little while ago? Did that fall through?

Me: ...Nope. Pretty sure I wasn't engaged.

Teacher: Oh. You were close, though, right?

Me: Nope. Not even close.

Teacher: Well, you're dating someone now, right?

Me: No

Teacher: Weren't you dating someone fairly recently?

Me: No sir.

Teacher: Oh. *beat* Those boys are just dumb.

Me: See ya!

In my head, I wanted to say, "Thanks for the feel-good conversation. We'll have to have another one of these soon."

The Truth, Unvarnished

(Welcome to my blog, for all of you who might have been searching for Robert via Google search. After you read this post, feel free to go to this one for an update.)

I have to say it.

ROBERT "PATSY" PATTINSON IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!


I'm tired of this whole "Robert Pattinson is so sexy" campaign that's going on. I think it's all some evil ploy by Pattinson's marketing campaign to get us to run out and buy magazines and Twilight action figures. In the words of Mugatu, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" It's time for all of the tweens to wake up and discover that he's just a creepy-looking dude. (If I see him on one more Twilight shirt, so help me....)

I'm sorry if I've destroyed your happy reality, but it must be done.

The Tooth Fairy isn't real, either. SUCKAS!!

Chocol-ardiac Arrest

So, I took a little trip down memory lane the other day, and visited HomeStarRunner.com, a site that was all the rage when I was in high school. And I found this little gem: Strong Bad's Bottom 10. In honor of high school memories (and because some things bug me), here is my own "Bottom 10" list. Well, it's actually just a "Bottom 5" list because I'm lazy and not many things are bothering me today.

5) The use of the word "bling". Why are people still saying this word, particularly in serious settings? I'm baffled that the word has somehow abandoned the beefy, chain-wearing, gold-toothed gangsta-rappers who spawned it, and has now joined forces with sweet middle-aged scrapbooking women. "When it comes to scrapbooking, I'm all about the bling." (Actual quote, by the way. Seriously. Just google "bling scrapbooking" and you'll see the horrors.) *A shiver runs down my spine.* I don't know why, but I cringe when I hear someone use the word in a non-joking setting.

4) The following rhyming lyrics in songs:

Desire and Fire--I hate to break it to you, but you are not the first person to discover that those words rhyme. Even the Backstreet Boys figured that out.

Kiss and Miss--Yes, if you kiss me, you might miss me. But, considering that I'm wearing braces, the kiss might just be weird.


And, also, I dislike when bands shout out their name and the year the song was created. "This is Lunatic Fringe, 1996!!" Thanks, Fringe. Now, whenever I listen to your song I'm going to constantly think about how old it's getting, and how NOT COOL your band is. (P.S. I always thought Lunatic Fringe would be a good band name if I ever decided to become a heavy metal rocker. I just googled it, though, and it looks like other people had the same idea. Ooh! And it's also the name of a belly dancing shop! Anyone want to take up belly dancing?)

3) "Git 'er done." UGH. Larry the Cable Guy, you are not on my happy list. If I hear one more person yell this phrase and laugh because they think it's oh-so-funny, I will go all "Sydney Bristow" on them. No joke. (I also feel this way about Dumb and Dumber quotes and the song "Popular" from Wicked. Don't say those things around me. I'm a woman on the edge, and I will bust your kneecaps--in my mind, at least.)

2) The THX sound. I realize that everyone else loves this sound, but I can't stand it! My brain feels like it's going to explode. Seriously, if you wanted to torture me, you would just need to put me in a room where this sound was constantly playing, and then put a piece of chocolate cake just barely inches out of my grasp. I would cave in approximately 2.5 seconds. "Okay, I'll tell you what you want! Just make it stop!" *Hysterical sobbing.* (Maybe I shouldn't have told you all how to torture me....)

1) No chocolate cake. Can there be anything worse? Dismemberment? Nah. Death by shark attack? Nope. Starvation? No.... Wait. That means you don't have chocolate cake. YES! That's terrible!
Can you tell what's on my mind right now?

I want my money back.

One of the requirements of being a hermit is that you must be content with staying in your home for long periods of time. You must find a way to entertain yourself, whether it be through knitting a variety of cat sweaters or writing angst-ridden poetry. Luckily for all of you, my hermit escape mechanism is movie-watching. I do like me a good movie. A bad movie, on the other hand, is a very sad thing indeed. What can be more depressing than watching proof that millions of dollars were wasted on creating a 2 hour long torturous experience for the millions of people who will inevitably go to see it? (Maybe it's more depressing to calculate how much time and money we as humans collectively waste when we go to see the piece of rubbish.)

You all care so much, don't you? I can tell from the glazed-over look in your eye.

Ok, FINE! I understand that none of you care about my love for movies, or my ridiculously forceful opinions about them. But, so help me, you're going to listen! *Jules locks the door. She has that feverish glare in her eye, which is not a good sign. Uh oh. Now her eyes are twitching. You should have left the room before we got to this point.*

I want to have a little talk with you about a lovely little movie called Transformers 2. *thunder and lightning* Have any of you seen Transformers 2? *thunder and lighting* DID YOU MISS VALUABLE HOURS OF SLEEP TO GO SEE TRANSFORMERS 2?!! *thunder and lightning*

Well, if you can't tell by my mounting levels of frustration, I did. Currently, the terrible movie is running through my head non-stop. My brain is about ready to start hemorrhaging, just so it can escape the torture of reliving that movie again. So, since I might not be around much longer, I feel that it is my duty as a decent citizen of the world to warn you.

I understand if you feel like you need to go see it. The first Transformers movie was pretty good, right? Perhaps you loved watching the cartoon as a child. Perhaps you love Shia LeBeouf and want to support him in any way you can. Maybe you feel like you must always see movie sequels, because you need closure. I understand these feelings, my friend, but don't give in! It's not worth it, believe me. I went to see it because of these reasons, and it was a mistake.

Are you still not convinced that you need to stay away from this film? Well, let me tell you about some of the highlights...or lowlights, I guess. (I'm not going to mention the story and dialogue in this list, but just know that they are terrible.) Without further ado, here is the list:

1. The two jive-talking, "comic relief" robots. Not since Jar Jar Binks have I wanted to kill a computer-generated character so violently. (That's saying something. I made it through Star Wars episodes 1-3 simply by daydreaming about all of the horrific ways to torture Jar Jar.... Does that make me a bad person?)

2. An over-abundance of skankeriffic girls. Now, I'm sure sleazy girls talking in seductive tones will be a big hit with most of the teenage boys and low-life slobs who will see this movie, but for those people who don't enjoy seeing women portrayed as nothing more than stereotypical sex objects, this can get annoying. (Or maybe that's just my jealousy talking. I guess I'll have to work out a little more so I can wear my Daisy Dukes while I fix motorcycles; then I'll be as awesome as Megan Fox.) *sarcasm*

3. The mentioning of President Obama. Maybe this is just me, but I have a hard time when movies "date" themselves like that. By saying Obama is the president, you make two huge mistakes: 1) You ruin the movie magic for me, because now you've just mixed fictional alien robots with a real president. 2) Now the movie can only be relevant for Obama's presidential term, because after 2012 (hopefully) or 2016 if he gets elected for another term (heaven forbid), Obama will no longer be the president. I'm just saying.


There's the small list for now. I'd write more down, but some of them are just too horrendous to mention. What? You're still not convinced? You're going to get on fandango.com and purchase tickets right now?! NO! Don't do it. I'm warning you....

Okay, I wasn't going to list this last horrific "lowlight" for Transformers 2, but you have given me no choice. I'm sorry that it's come to this.

Reason 4. THEY SHOW JOHN TURTURRO IN A THONG. *The entire nation vomits simultaneously.* Yes. That's right. And it's not from a distance, either. You will see a close up of John's thong-clad nether regions, front and back, and it will be much larger than life on that movie screen. You will have no defense! And, as your eyes are scalded and your mind tainted forever from such an image, you will remember the warning I gave you. There will be much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. You will cry out, "Why? WHY?! Why did I not listen to the words of Julianna?"

That's all I'm saying, really.

GAH!

You all knew that a Facebook Ranting Tantrum was inevitable, so why prolong it anymore? I might as well just get it over and done with.

I opened up my email today to see that I had received a message from The Mormon Tabernacle Choir telling me to "Become a fan of the choir on Facebook!" I immediately shouted, "NO!" just to show the Mormon Tabernacle Choir that I am indeed my own boss, and I will not be giving in to those types of demands. (Take THAT! Your mind-tricks won't work on me, MoTab.)

Seriously, though, Facebook is getting a little out of control. It's a collision of far too many worlds. It's just so interesting that I can be a fan of these people:



And at the same time be a fan of this guy:



It's just plain weird!! Anyone remember the good old days when Facebook was an exclusive club for college students only? I mean, you had to have a college email address that was recognized by the "powers that be" in order to be approved. (In fact, the first time I tried to sign up with my UVSC email address, it wasn't recognized, so I wasn't allowed in.)

Now, I'm not saying that was how Facebook was supposed to say, but now it's a little strange to have everyone on it, from Grandpa Joe to Tiny Tim, and to have fan groups honoring people from President Monson to Marilyn Manson.

Strange.

End of Facebook Ranting Tantrum.

(I'm sorry, but it's your fault for getting me started on this tantrum, MoTab.)