In the past week, I have very nearly killed the following animals with my car:
Two suicidal cats who darted in front of my car at three in the morning.
One wounded quail, limping ever-so-slowly across the road.
A bunch of ducklings.
I felt the worst about the ducklings. What is it about ducklings? I could run over a different type of animal and not feel TOO bad, but running over a whole family of ducklings ranks right up there with punching puppies--nearly unforgivable!
I'm still haunted by the image of their little wings flapping in panic as they tried to escape my car. Luckily, they got away, but I very nearly became a murderer.
Seriously, ducklings, didn't your mother ever teach you to not play in the road?
Eeew. There is an old man out there wearing a Speedo. Sir, it's time to trade in your tiny suit for something a little more modest. Please. Someone should really put an age limit on Speedos. Like, only Olympians between the ages of 16 and 30 can wear them. I'm pretty sure that would cut down on most dry-heaving that occurs at public swimming pools.
And don't get me started on bikinis.
Speaking of which, a bikini-clad woman just came in to the sauna with her significant other. How do I know that these two are romantically involved? Well, first off, I just have a gift for reading people. Secondly, they are cuddling and cooing. *Shudder* Is that romantic? To come into a sauna and sweat all over each other? I don't think so, but that's just me. Call me crazy, but I think that some moments are not meant to be shared with the love of your life.
But, what do I know? I'm one of those crazy young single adults.
Uh oh. The Speedo Man is coming into the sauna. No, Speedo Man! Don't come in! Oh great. Speedo Man is sitting directly across from me. OH NO! Speedo Man is doing some very inappropriate stretching moves. Stop, Speedo Man! STOP! STOP WITH THE STRADDLE STRETCH!!! ARGH!! My retinas!!
*Julianna rushes out of the sauna, nursing her wounded eyes.*
"I will not run. Why punish my legs for something my mouth did?"
--Source Unknown for the Moment
(I couldn't remember who said this quote, so I decided to Google it. Note to self: Never Google anything containing the word "punish". Anyway, we'll just leave that quote author-less for now.)
I am not a runner. Unless something scary (like a bear or Tree Man) is chasing me, I just don't see the point of running. This has always been my philosophy. That is, until the glorious day when I discovered the cardio cinema at the gym!
It's amazing how quickly a movie can change my attitude. Running on a normal treadmill is like death and a baby. But, put that treadmill in a theater room and I'll run for miles, as happy as a hamster. (Get it? Hamster...because hamsters run on their little wheels for hours? What a brilliant metaphor. The writing in this post is just top-notch. You should be glad you're reading this.)
However, my hamster-like happiness has faded lately because it seems like Gold's Gym workers have terrible taste in movies. I have seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull multiple times in that cardio cinema, unfortunately. I've seen The Proposal more times than I care to count, and I've even been fortunate enough enough to see parts of Step Up 2 and G Force. (Speaking of hamsters....)
But, the most annoying movie as of late is definitely We Are Marshall. I've seen the first half of that movie probably four times in the last month. Ugh. First of all, I get sick of inspirational sports movies really quickly. (I blame this on the fact that I was way overexposed to Remember the Titans during my high school years. "We need to have an inspirational assembly for all of the high school kids, so we're going to watch Remember the Titans." "We need an inspirational activity for the drama students, so we're going to watch Remember the Titans." "We need an inspirational activity for the floral arranging class. Remember the Titans it is!") Yes, I'm so happy that football is such a magical tool that brings us all together, but I don't want to watch a movie about it. Especially if Matthew Mcconaughey is playing the annoying head coach. And especially if I'm trying to run.
Maybe I should just imagine that I'm running away from that movie....
Remember my pickiness about bananas? Well, my dear father (Hi Dad!) is very tolerant of my banana issues. In fact, even though I don't live at my parents' house, my dad still buys green bananas. On Sunday, he commented on the fact that I hadn't been around to eat the bananas.
Dad: See? I buy them green and nobody eats them.
Jules: I'm sorry! The window of opportunity is just too short.
Dad: I just need to get you a banana ripening chamber.
Jules: There's an idea.
Dad: You know how the banana gas chamber works, don't you?
Jules: Yes. The bananas are told to tie their shoes together so they'll get them back after their shower. But they don't get their shoes back.
Get it? Anyone?
*Crickets chirp*
Later conversation with Taren:
Taren: Yeah, I don't think anyone is going to think that's funny. The Holocaust isn't exactly a funny topic.
Jules: But THIS is funny! Bananas don't even WEAR shoes!
I saw a billboard the other day for a restaurant. I don't remember which. Ruby River? Ruby Tuesday's? Something involving rubies. Or not. Apparently this is another advertising fail, since I can't even remember the name of the restaurant. Ah well. I'm over it.
Anyway, the billboard showed a picture of a smiling couple next to the words, "Because she said yes."
How sweet. If she says yes to the proposal, she gets steak. If the answer is no, he's taking her straight to McDonald's.
Frankly, I think McDonald's is missing out on a great opportunity for advertising. Right after the Ruby *mumble something unintelligible* restaurant ad, there should be a billboard with a pic of a sad couple and the words, "Because she said no--McDonald's."
I have been disgruntled too many times this week, what with a Castle re-run, a Lost re-run, and now some spring snow.
My life is SOOOO hard. All of those suffering children in Africa have no idea what it's like to be me. It's just too much! *Jules bursts into tears and throws a temper tantrum.*
Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries. (Anyone catch the hidden movie quote in this entry? Anyone? Taren?)
The other day I was watching something on Hulu, and a commercial came on that immediately got my attention, because it was asking all kinds of "What if?" questions.
"What if you went to grad school?" (Ooh! Grad school? I want to go to grad school!)
"What if you went to Prague?" (Ooh! Prague! I want to go to Prague!)
"What if you changed your mind and went to Montana instead?" (A few shots of horses running free through beautiful green fields. Now I want to go to Montana.)
"What if you met someone?" (A shot of a hunky cowboy-type person. Now I really want to go to Montana.)
"What if he gave you HPV? What if it turned into cervical cancer?"
Julianna's brain lets out a mental SCREECHING sound.
Wait a minute. Where did that come from? One minute we're running with the horses, and the next minute you try to turn it into some dramatic cervical cancer awareness ad.
I hate when commercials try to fool me. They drag me in with their pretty pictures, and the next minute they're trying to make me all weepy-eyed. It's not going to work on me! If I were the rebellious type, I would go out right now and get cervical cancer, just to spite whoever made this commercial. "Yeah, your commercial did nothing to prevent ME from getting cancer. I saw your commercial and now I'm on my deathbed. Take THAT!"
Yeah, that would show 'em.
If you really want to get people to avoid HPV like the plague, all you need to do is show a picture of Tree Man and say something like:
"HPV can lead to this:"
ARGH! I'll never touch anyone ever again!
Now THAT would be an effective commercial.
Since I'm on the subject of ineffective ad campaigns, does anyone remember this anti-Meth ad that was on several years ago? Oddly enough, that catchy tune makes Meth seem sort of appealing. (My brothers and I still sing the song to this day. "Ooh Meth. Ooh Meth!"
