Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween, everyone!

What did I do for this pagan holiday? Pretty much nothing, since my head feels like it's going to a splode. Not my favorite. So, instead of dressing up like a sexy kitty cat and going to some party with other girls dressed up as sexy versions of animals and common occupations, I stayed home with Taren and watched Prom Night.

Yeah, we're awesome.

Recipe

Sorry for not posting the cookie recipe before. Here it is:

Really Yummy Chocolate Chip Cookies from The Worldwide Ward Cookbook

(Note: While I typically don't support people who try to exploit the church for profit, I actually love this cookbook. It's got a lot of those comfort foods that I just love....)

1 lb. butter (no substitutes)

1 1/2 C. sugar

2 c. brown sugar

4 Tbsp. vanilla

3 eggs, beaten

2 Tbsp. baking soda

6 C. flour

4 C. chocolate chips

Cream the butter and sugars. Add vanilla, eggs, and soda. Blend in flour well. Fold in chocolate chips. Bake at 350 degrees for 5-7 minutes. Makes 4-5 dozen cookies.

I Like-A Cookie

I finally found a recipe for the most delicious, gooey chocolate chip cookies ever. They are so good! Only a couple of problems:

The recipe calls for a pound of butter and makes 5 dozen cookies.

Yikes.

Do you have any idea what I will do with that much cookie dough? Ideally, I would bake all of it up right now and use it as a way to bribe people into being my friends, but let's be realistic here. Me? Give up all that cookie dough?! NEVER! I will eat it all. If I don't, I'll constantly be thinking about eating it all.

Like I always say, the best way to avoid temptation is just to give in to it and eat all of the dough.

Yes, I always say that. *Shifty eyes*

So, until all that blasted dough is gone, my goals to start "Operation Turn Julianna Into A Really Hot Person By The Time Her Braces Come Off" might have to be put on hold.

Drat. Does anyone want a cookie or a dozen? Come on over.

Not So Politically Correct

This blog entry has been a while in coming. I found it in my drafts and decided that it was just sad to leave an entry unfinished and with no one to love. (I recently just finished reading Frankenstein, and it has left me with an odd sense of responsibility for those things I create. I wouldn't want my half-finished blog entry to go on a rampage and start terrorizing the other entries, now would I?)

But, I digress.

Anyway, it just so happens that it's time for A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums 2nd Healthy Living Spotlight! (Did you miss the first one? Well, go look at it! You're missing out on valuable information!)

Now, for those of you who don't know, for about a year I had the glorious opportunity of working at the Scrapbook Company-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, talking to scrapbooking fanatics. All day long. I don't know if any of you are avid scrapbookers or know any, but they can be a little...um...intense....



BUT CREATIVE and very attentive to detail!

This week's spotlight is inspired by one of those scrapbooking ladies.

This particular lady called one day to explain that she was having a hard time selling products because her son was "100% handicapped".

*Quizzical look* 100% handicapped? Is it really necessary to specify the exact percentage of a person's handicap level?

YES. Yes it is.

Leave it to a detail-oriented scrapbooker to be brilliant enough to realize that this is something we as a society should have started years ago! I mean, if people continue to just say, "Hey! I have a handicap and I need to be excused from my responsibilities," how are we supposed to know if the handicap is legit, and not just a reference to a poor bowling average? HOW?!

Since "change" seems to be a popular theme nowadays (BLEH!), I submit that it's time for a bit of reform.

We at HA are now proposing a completely new and effective system of handicap percentage calculation. This new system is perfect for all people, but specifically tailored to those of us who are supposedly "normal", but sometimes do handicap-ish things, like tripping over cracks in the sidewalk or mispronouncing the word "library". (Anyone want to go to the liberry? Anyone?) For example, one of my dear friends was concerned when a teacher in elementary school told his mother that he "has trouble with buttons". It's time this person found out how truly sort-of handicapped he is. Or perhaps these people need to find out how sort-of handicapped they are:



Oh, wait. That's me and my roomie. Ha ha ha...ha.... Ahem.

For your convenience, here is the official HA Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage Calculator. It's pretty simple (unless you struggle with simple math, in which case you will have a higher Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage anyway). Just look through the various sort-of handicapped traits and see which ones apply to you. Then add up your percentage points and VOILA! It's kinda like those quizzes you take in the tween magazines. Don't pretend you haven't taken one before. I know that you couldn't resist finding out if your ideal man is Jacob or Edward.



Which one?! How can I choose?!

(By the way, if you are seriously debating which of these two is right for you, I'm giving you a social handicap percentage of 97%. And you're not invited to my birthday party. Heart ya!)

Okay, without further ado, here is the:

HA SORT-OF HANDICAPPED PERCENTAGE CALCULATOR! (For adults 18 and older)

Daily Tasks--

I have trouble with buttons: 2%
I often wear my clothes inside out, and don't realize it until roughly 4:00 in the afternoon: 2%
I often forget to take tags and stickers off my clothes: 2%
I think blankets are hard: 5%
I get more food on my clothes than in my mouth: 7%
I don't "own a toothbrush": 17%

Personal Tastes--

I have a legitimate love for any of the following--Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, Lil Bow Wow, High School Musical: 2%
My favorite animal is the chihuahua: 10%
My favorite car is my lime green Volkswagen New Beetle: 25%
I still secretly love the Goosebumps series: 5%
I love my knock-off brand Crocs and wear them everywhere I go: 5%
Transformers 2 is my favorite movie of all time: 10%

Miscellaneous--

I don't know how to use the correct form of there, their, they're, or your and you're: 7%
I don't know the difference between the Google bar and the URL address bar: 4%
I trip over my own shoes and constantly fall down stairs: 3%
I don't know who the Vice President of the United States is: 5%
There's such a thing as a Vice Presidentt of the United States?: 10%

How did you do? I hope this clears up any confusion in your life. Please feel free to submit any other sort-of handicapped attributes to the Hermit Association. We will be more than happy to update our list.

As always, fellow hermits, good luck out there.

Sincerely,

HA

Go back to the depths from which you came, foul beast!

The sewing machine is probably one of the most frustrating appliances I've ever dealt with.

All I wanted to do today was to sew a zipper on to a dress. JUST A ZIPPER. Should be easy, right? Nope. First of all, the last time I handled a sewing machine was in my eighth grade home economics class, and I'm pretty sure my teacher mentally murdered me after I broke three of the devil machines. I swear that I was doing everything that she taught me to do! I just have a complicated relationships with those things.

Hence, tonight's four-hour adventure with the zipper and the sewing machine.

Well, it wasn't so much an adventure as it was me trying to keep myself from screaming profanities.

"DAMN YOU, MACHINE!"

"Thread the bobbin. Thread the bobbin. THREAD THE @*$%&@*# BOBBIN!!"

"Zipper foot? What's a zipper foot, and where is it?!"

*Hysterical Crying*

"Um, Dad? Let's have some bonding time...while you help me figure out how to use this thing."

"WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT WORKING?!"

*Taking a break to eat a giant bowl of ice cream*

"DIE! DIE!!!!!!" *Jules grabs a sledge hammer and smashes the demon* MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Okay. I made that last part up.

No worries, though. I conquered the beast, and now my dress has a zipper! And, oddly enough, I have this urge to take up sewing.... I need to get my head examined.

Words of Wisdom from Nada Surf

Events of the past week or so have made me think of this fabulous song from Nada Surf--"Popular". I just love it, and it offers some great advice, particularly about dating. Ha ha. Love it.

Warning: This video gets sort of awkward at the end, what with the cheerleader and her boyfriend making out, so feel free to just listen and not watch. :-)

Oh, if we would just follow that break up rule, life would be so much easier! Then we wouldn't have to come up with creative ways to end something that's not working.



That's all I'm saying.

P.S. In a Google image search, I discovered this book. I kinda want to read it! It looks fun....

Short Letters to Inanimate Objects

Dear Dove "Go Fresh" Burst White Nectarine and Ginger Bodywash,

I'll be honest. When I first saw you, I had my doubts. That name is such a tongue-twister, and I have a hard time trusting soap that requires seven descriptive words. That all changed, though, when I got to know you. You smell delicious. I know I've only just met you, but I may have fallen in love. I hope my passionate declaration doesn't scare you off. I would hate for you to run out on me. (Ba doom ching!) See you in the shower tomorrow!


--Jules

Dear Recipe for Really Yummy Chocolate Chip Cookies,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE? I have always wanted a recipe for the yummiest, gooiest chocolate chip cookies ever, and suddenly you appear. Sure, it's true that you contain a whole pound of butter, but I don't care. You just made my week.

--Jules

Dear Cold,

Shove it.

--Jules

The Funeral Services of Phil Beta

I'm a fish killer. I am a killer of fish. You know that you have problems when you can't even keep a Beta fish alive.



We are gathered here to mourn Phil the Beta. He died on Friday October 23, 2009, and is survived by his owner: me. She had high hopes of getting him into the prestigious underground fish fight club, but now those dreams have been shattered. Months of intense training are wasted, and the hearts of Phil's fans are broken.


Ode to Phil

Oh Phil, you were the greatest Beta fish.
You always did the best that you could do.
Now that you're gone I only have one wish;
That there's a bowl in heaven just for you.
I hope the fishy angels treat you well,
And that you always have enough to eat.
But if, somehow, you find yourself in hell,
Take care, my dear, and stay far from the heat.
In any case, I'll miss you, my fish friend.
I'll never find another just like you.
I'm sorry that your life came to an end.
I'll miss your fins of red and green and blue.

Here's to you, Phil. You will be missed. *Taps plays gently in the background as Phil is flushed down the toilet.*

*Sniff* Thanks for coming, everyone. Help yourself to the funeral potatoes.

Where have I been?

Is there such a thing as blogging narcolepsy? If there is, I have it. I'll be in the middle of creating a fabulous blog post, and then without warning I'll go into some catatonic state.

And the next thing I know it's a month later and I haven't posted anything. I blame the government. I'm sure they're behind it...somehow. I haven't quite figured out the motives behind the conspiracy, but I'll be sure to update you in my next post. Six months from now.

Would you like to know what I've been up to in the last month? Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you, anyway. Here are several of my major accomplishments since the end of September:

1) I learned the Thriller dance during my class at the gym. Be impressed.

2) I got the annual bronchitis. Hooray. Life wouldn't be complete without the hacking cough and wheezing breaths. Thanks, Bronchitis. Thanks.

3) I finally broke down and cleaned out my purse when I tried to find my keys (which are on a gigantic keychain, by the way) and couldn't. I did, however, find the following items: an inhaler, a bottle of HEMPZ lotion (complete with a picture of a marijuana plant on the bottle), a lipstick tube-shaped pen from the Spy Museum in DC, an A 440 tuning fork, a toothbrush, toothpaste, Tic Tacs, a camera, a book, too many tubes of lipgloss, miscellaneous coins, old movie ticket stubs, receipts, an ipod, a Beethoven CD, and my gigantic wallet. Let's not even start talking about what was in my wallet. It's pathetic. And, lest you think that my purse is one of those huge bottomless Mary Poppins-style carpet bags, it's not. It looks like this:



(No, that is definitely not my real hair. I just got back from a Halloween party thing, so I'm still wearing a wig. Though, I could get used to the look. For the first time in my life I'm tempted to chop my hair off and dye it blonde. Would that make me a traitor to the brunette community?)

Anyway, my purse is clean. Ish.

4) Finally finished decorating my room! Yay! Maybe I'll post pictures.

5) Teaching, teaching, teaching. I do not get along with 4th graders.

You know what? Five is a good number. Let's stop with five and spare you from having to read more about the monotonous minutiae of my life. (Did you love that alliteration? Yeah, I remember what alliteration means. Rock on.)

I hope your life has been just has exciting as mine has been. It's a constant party over in Julianna-land, I tell you. Seriously. I'm going to go vacuum up some of the confetti. Peace.