This blog entry has been a while in coming. I found it in my drafts and decided that it was just sad to leave an entry unfinished and with no one to love. (I recently just finished reading Frankenstein, and it has left me with an odd sense of responsibility for those things I create. I wouldn't want my half-finished blog entry to go on a rampage and start terrorizing the other entries, now would I?)
But, I digress.
Anyway, it just so happens that it's time for A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums 2nd Healthy Living Spotlight! (Did you miss the first one? Well, go look at it! You're missing out on valuable information!)
Now, for those of you who don't know, for about a year I had the glorious opportunity of working at the Scrapbook Company-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, talking to scrapbooking fanatics. All day long. I don't know if any of you are avid scrapbookers or know any, but they can be a little...um...intense....
BUT CREATIVE and very attentive to detail!
This week's spotlight is inspired by one of those scrapbooking ladies.
This particular lady called one day to explain that she was having a hard time selling products because her son was "100% handicapped".
*Quizzical look* 100% handicapped? Is it really necessary to specify the exact percentage of a person's handicap level?
YES. Yes it is.
Leave it to a detail-oriented scrapbooker to be brilliant enough to realize that this is something we as a society should have started years ago! I mean, if people continue to just say, "Hey! I have a handicap and I need to be excused from my responsibilities," how are we supposed to know if the handicap is legit, and not just a reference to a poor bowling average? HOW?!
Since "change" seems to be a popular theme nowadays (BLEH!), I submit that it's time for a bit of reform.
We at HA are now proposing a completely new and effective system of handicap percentage calculation. This new system is perfect for all people, but specifically tailored to those of us who are supposedly "normal", but sometimes do handicap-ish things, like tripping over cracks in the sidewalk or mispronouncing the word "library". (Anyone want to go to the liberry? Anyone?) For example, one of my dear friends was concerned when a teacher in elementary school told his mother that he "has trouble with buttons". It's time this person found out how truly sort-of handicapped he is. Or perhaps these people need to find out how sort-of handicapped they are:
Oh, wait. That's me and my roomie. Ha ha ha...ha.... Ahem.
For your convenience, here is the official HA Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage Calculator. It's pretty simple (unless you struggle with simple math, in which case you will have a higher Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage anyway). Just look through the various sort-of handicapped traits and see which ones apply to you. Then add up your percentage points and VOILA! It's kinda like those quizzes you take in the tween magazines. Don't pretend you haven't taken one before. I know that you couldn't resist finding out if your ideal man is Jacob or Edward.
Which one?! How can I choose?!
(By the way, if you are seriously debating which of these two is right for you, I'm giving you a social handicap percentage of 97%. And you're not invited to my birthday party. Heart ya!)
Okay, without further ado, here is the:
HA SORT-OF HANDICAPPED PERCENTAGE CALCULATOR! (For adults 18 and older)
Daily Tasks--
I have trouble with buttons: 2%
I often wear my clothes inside out, and don't realize it until roughly 4:00 in the afternoon: 2%
I often forget to take tags and stickers off my clothes: 2%
I think blankets are hard: 5%
I get more food on my clothes than in my mouth: 7%
I don't "own a toothbrush": 17%
Personal Tastes--
I have a legitimate love for any of the following--Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, Lil Bow Wow, High School Musical: 2%
My favorite animal is the chihuahua: 10%
My favorite car is my lime green Volkswagen New Beetle: 25%
I still secretly love the Goosebumps series: 5%
I love my knock-off brand Crocs and wear them everywhere I go: 5%
Transformers 2 is my favorite movie of all time: 10%
Miscellaneous--
I don't know how to use the correct form of there, their, they're, or your and you're: 7%
I don't know the difference between the Google bar and the URL address bar: 4%
I trip over my own shoes and constantly fall down stairs: 3%
I don't know who the Vice President of the United States is: 5%
There's such a thing as a Vice Presidentt of the United States?: 10%
How did you do? I hope this clears up any confusion in your life. Please feel free to submit any other sort-of handicapped attributes to the Hermit Association. We will be more than happy to update our list.
But, I digress.
Anyway, it just so happens that it's time for A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums 2nd Healthy Living Spotlight! (Did you miss the first one? Well, go look at it! You're missing out on valuable information!)
Now, for those of you who don't know, for about a year I had the glorious opportunity of working at the Scrapbook Company-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, talking to scrapbooking fanatics. All day long. I don't know if any of you are avid scrapbookers or know any, but they can be a little...um...intense....
BUT CREATIVE and very attentive to detail!
This week's spotlight is inspired by one of those scrapbooking ladies.
This particular lady called one day to explain that she was having a hard time selling products because her son was "100% handicapped".
*Quizzical look* 100% handicapped? Is it really necessary to specify the exact percentage of a person's handicap level?
YES. Yes it is.
Leave it to a detail-oriented scrapbooker to be brilliant enough to realize that this is something we as a society should have started years ago! I mean, if people continue to just say, "Hey! I have a handicap and I need to be excused from my responsibilities," how are we supposed to know if the handicap is legit, and not just a reference to a poor bowling average? HOW?!
Since "change" seems to be a popular theme nowadays (BLEH!), I submit that it's time for a bit of reform.
We at HA are now proposing a completely new and effective system of handicap percentage calculation. This new system is perfect for all people, but specifically tailored to those of us who are supposedly "normal", but sometimes do handicap-ish things, like tripping over cracks in the sidewalk or mispronouncing the word "library". (Anyone want to go to the liberry? Anyone?) For example, one of my dear friends was concerned when a teacher in elementary school told his mother that he "has trouble with buttons". It's time this person found out how truly sort-of handicapped he is. Or perhaps these people need to find out how sort-of handicapped they are:
Oh, wait. That's me and my roomie. Ha ha ha...ha.... Ahem.
For your convenience, here is the official HA Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage Calculator. It's pretty simple (unless you struggle with simple math, in which case you will have a higher Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage anyway). Just look through the various sort-of handicapped traits and see which ones apply to you. Then add up your percentage points and VOILA! It's kinda like those quizzes you take in the tween magazines. Don't pretend you haven't taken one before. I know that you couldn't resist finding out if your ideal man is Jacob or Edward.
Which one?! How can I choose?!
(By the way, if you are seriously debating which of these two is right for you, I'm giving you a social handicap percentage of 97%. And you're not invited to my birthday party. Heart ya!)
Okay, without further ado, here is the:
HA SORT-OF HANDICAPPED PERCENTAGE CALCULATOR! (For adults 18 and older)
Daily Tasks--
I have trouble with buttons: 2%
I often wear my clothes inside out, and don't realize it until roughly 4:00 in the afternoon: 2%
I often forget to take tags and stickers off my clothes: 2%
I think blankets are hard: 5%
I get more food on my clothes than in my mouth: 7%
I don't "own a toothbrush": 17%
Personal Tastes--
I have a legitimate love for any of the following--Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, Lil Bow Wow, High School Musical: 2%
My favorite animal is the chihuahua: 10%
My favorite car is my lime green Volkswagen New Beetle: 25%
I still secretly love the Goosebumps series: 5%
I love my knock-off brand Crocs and wear them everywhere I go: 5%
Transformers 2 is my favorite movie of all time: 10%
Miscellaneous--
I don't know how to use the correct form of there, their, they're, or your and you're: 7%
I don't know the difference between the Google bar and the URL address bar: 4%
I trip over my own shoes and constantly fall down stairs: 3%
I don't know who the Vice President of the United States is: 5%
There's such a thing as a Vice Presidentt of the United States?: 10%
How did you do? I hope this clears up any confusion in your life. Please feel free to submit any other sort-of handicapped attributes to the Hermit Association. We will be more than happy to update our list.
As always, fellow hermits, good luck out there.
Sincerely,
HA
3 comments:
Well, as has already been displayed, I'm at least 2% handicapped!
According to this test...on only a few days out of the year, I am 2% handicapped. You forgot to add its and it's to your correct usage list. That annoys me SO much! Also, how about people who sit through an entire green turn arrow at the stoplight and don't notice the horns honking behind them? Funny stuff.
I am 20% handicapped...
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