The Funeral Services of Phil Beta

I'm a fish killer. I am a killer of fish. You know that you have problems when you can't even keep a Beta fish alive.



We are gathered here to mourn Phil the Beta. He died on Friday October 23, 2009, and is survived by his owner: me. She had high hopes of getting him into the prestigious underground fish fight club, but now those dreams have been shattered. Months of intense training are wasted, and the hearts of Phil's fans are broken.


Ode to Phil

Oh Phil, you were the greatest Beta fish.
You always did the best that you could do.
Now that you're gone I only have one wish;
That there's a bowl in heaven just for you.
I hope the fishy angels treat you well,
And that you always have enough to eat.
But if, somehow, you find yourself in hell,
Take care, my dear, and stay far from the heat.
In any case, I'll miss you, my fish friend.
I'll never find another just like you.
I'm sorry that your life came to an end.
I'll miss your fins of red and green and blue.

Here's to you, Phil. You will be missed. *Taps plays gently in the background as Phil is flushed down the toilet.*

*Sniff* Thanks for coming, everyone. Help yourself to the funeral potatoes.

Where have I been?

Is there such a thing as blogging narcolepsy? If there is, I have it. I'll be in the middle of creating a fabulous blog post, and then without warning I'll go into some catatonic state.

And the next thing I know it's a month later and I haven't posted anything. I blame the government. I'm sure they're behind it...somehow. I haven't quite figured out the motives behind the conspiracy, but I'll be sure to update you in my next post. Six months from now.

Would you like to know what I've been up to in the last month? Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you, anyway. Here are several of my major accomplishments since the end of September:

1) I learned the Thriller dance during my class at the gym. Be impressed.

2) I got the annual bronchitis. Hooray. Life wouldn't be complete without the hacking cough and wheezing breaths. Thanks, Bronchitis. Thanks.

3) I finally broke down and cleaned out my purse when I tried to find my keys (which are on a gigantic keychain, by the way) and couldn't. I did, however, find the following items: an inhaler, a bottle of HEMPZ lotion (complete with a picture of a marijuana plant on the bottle), a lipstick tube-shaped pen from the Spy Museum in DC, an A 440 tuning fork, a toothbrush, toothpaste, Tic Tacs, a camera, a book, too many tubes of lipgloss, miscellaneous coins, old movie ticket stubs, receipts, an ipod, a Beethoven CD, and my gigantic wallet. Let's not even start talking about what was in my wallet. It's pathetic. And, lest you think that my purse is one of those huge bottomless Mary Poppins-style carpet bags, it's not. It looks like this:



(No, that is definitely not my real hair. I just got back from a Halloween party thing, so I'm still wearing a wig. Though, I could get used to the look. For the first time in my life I'm tempted to chop my hair off and dye it blonde. Would that make me a traitor to the brunette community?)

Anyway, my purse is clean. Ish.

4) Finally finished decorating my room! Yay! Maybe I'll post pictures.

5) Teaching, teaching, teaching. I do not get along with 4th graders.

You know what? Five is a good number. Let's stop with five and spare you from having to read more about the monotonous minutiae of my life. (Did you love that alliteration? Yeah, I remember what alliteration means. Rock on.)

I hope your life has been just has exciting as mine has been. It's a constant party over in Julianna-land, I tell you. Seriously. I'm going to go vacuum up some of the confetti. Peace.

I didn't get this kind of quality education in college.

Are you ready for your lesson from the kindergarteners?

Today's topic: Dating

I told the kids to go around the room and pick up imaginary sea shells. We've been talking a lot about the beach lately, mainly because I would rather be on the beach and I would rather live in an imaginary world, even if it means I have to drag several young children with me. :-) Oh, too much information? I'm sorry.

Well, after they found some sea shells, their assignment was to sing about what kind of shell they found. A lot of them mentioned that they found snail shells. (We have a fake snail friend in the class named Shurmy.) Still too much information? Deal with it.

Anyway, this is the conversation that ensued:

Girl #1: (sings) I found Shurmy's girlfriend.

Girl #2: (sings) I found Shurmy's other girlfriend.

Girl #1: (in a "no-you-didn't" sort of tone) Shurmy can't have two girlfriends.

Girl #2: He can have as many girlfriends as he wants!

Girl #1: Well, which one will he marry?

Girl #2: He'll marry mine because she wears jewelry.

Girl #1: Well, mine is rich!


At which point I stepped in and started singing a new song. I didn't want to have a cat fight break out over which imaginary snail girlfriend would be most suitable to marry the imaginary unfaithful snail boyfriend named Shurmy. Maybe I should have taken the time to teach them Carrie Underwood's song Before He Cheats, but I decided to go with something a little more conservative like "Home is Where the Heart Is".

Oh, and the kids decided that Shurmy's girlfriend is named Lily and together they have a baby named JuJu.

I'm learning so much.

So THAT'S why we have them....

Today I taught the kindergarten students about hula dancers.

And they taught me about the female anatomy.

Me: "Today we're going to do a Hawaiian hula dance."

Boy: "But, only girls can be hula dancers because they have humps." (He rubbed his hands on his chest.) "Boys are straight. We don't have humps to hold up the stuff the dancers wear."

It took all of my self-control to not giggle.

If that's the reason girls have "humps", I would not make a very good hula dancer.

ALOHA.

The Good Ol' Days....

Sometimes change is not for the best.

Has anyone had the experience of teaching a bunch of elementary school students lately? Anyone? Ah. Yes, I can tell from your frazzled hair and the twitch in your eye. You, my friend, have walked the hard road and know what it's like. There's nothing like trying to corral a bunch of grubby-handed know-it-all kids while at the same time trying to teach them oodles of information and trick them into thinking it's fun. Oh, and let's not forget that we want to refrain from hurting the self esteem of the poor little kidlets.

Bah. How about we go back to the good ol' paddling system for the wee ones? Remember the "Save the Rod, Spoil the Child" motto? Let's just give them "a few light slams now and then" and send them on their way. Look how well the system works in this picture:



Ah, how sweet. Everyone's smiling! Let's bring it back. Right now. I'm taking a paddle with me to school tomorrow. Or, I'm bringing this guy with me. "Come along, kiddie winkies!"

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

:-)

(By the way, I actually really do like children. I do, I promise...)

If I you weren't a kind institute teacher, I would kick you.

This was an actual conversation I had with a well-meaning institute teacher the other day:

Teacher: Weren't you engaged a little while ago? Did that fall through?

Me: ...Nope. Pretty sure I wasn't engaged.

Teacher: Oh. You were close, though, right?

Me: Nope. Not even close.

Teacher: Well, you're dating someone now, right?

Me: No

Teacher: Weren't you dating someone fairly recently?

Me: No sir.

Teacher: Oh. *beat* Those boys are just dumb.

Me: See ya!

In my head, I wanted to say, "Thanks for the feel-good conversation. We'll have to have another one of these soon."

The Truth, Unvarnished

(Welcome to my blog, for all of you who might have been searching for Robert via Google search. After you read this post, feel free to go to this one for an update.)

I have to say it.

ROBERT "PATSY" PATTINSON IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!


I'm tired of this whole "Robert Pattinson is so sexy" campaign that's going on. I think it's all some evil ploy by Pattinson's marketing campaign to get us to run out and buy magazines and Twilight action figures. In the words of Mugatu, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" It's time for all of the tweens to wake up and discover that he's just a creepy-looking dude. (If I see him on one more Twilight shirt, so help me....)

I'm sorry if I've destroyed your happy reality, but it must be done.

The Tooth Fairy isn't real, either. SUCKAS!!