Thursday, February 11, 2010

Valentine's Day Survival Guide

"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

--From the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you are one of the thousands of people who thinks the above quote is accurate, you need to keep reading.

If you don't agree with the above quote, you may skip to the bottom of this entry and leave a note telling me that I am beautiful, witty, and amazing. Or something along those lines.

It is time for another Healthy Living Spotlight, brought to you by the Hermit Association. Hooray! Grab your heart-shaped notebook and Lisa Frank pencil, friends, because you are going to want to take copious notes.

Are you depressed that you don't have a special someone in your life at the moment? Do you burst into tears whenever you pass by the Valentine's Day section at the local grocery store? Have you bought Twilight-themed Valentines to give to yourself?


Are you one of those none-single people who now faces the arduous task of finding that perfect gift? Does the thought of purchasing jewelry make you break out in hives? Have you decided to just throw in the towel and buy your special someone the cheapest chocolate you can find?

If you have answered yes to any of the following questions, I need you to put down the deep-fried Twinkie and pull yourself together! This V-Day madness has got to stop.

I propose that all of us, singles and non-singles alike, choose to follow some basic guidelines in order to avoid the "Roses are Red, Violets are" BLUES. (Ha ha. I am SOOOO clever. Maybe I should start writing greeting cards.)

Here are a few simple ways to help you celebrate the holiday right:

1) DO NOT BUY THE CHEAP CHOCOLATE, NO MATTER HOW CUTE ITS HEART-SHAPED BOX MAY LOOK. No one likes that junk. If you are single, go splurge on something you actually enjoy. If you are buying the chocolate for the love of your life, FOR PETE'S SAKE, SPEND AN EXTRA THREE DOLLARS AND GET HIM/HER SOME TRUFFLES. My goodness.

2) Don't give in to the idea that you need to display some grand gesture of love in order to be validated this holiday. I did some extensive research about Valentine's Day, (or, in other words, I barely skimmed an article on Wikipedia) and it looks to me like this whole "romantic love" business is all Geoffrey Chaucer's fault! No offense intended, Geoff, but I think we would all be a little bit happier if you would have just stuck to your precious Canterbury Tales and left Valentine's Day alone. I mean, it used to be a feast in honor of St. Valentine, people! A FEAST!

Anyway, I'm just saying that it's a nice day to tell people in your life that you love them, but there shouldn't be pressure. If you want to give roses and chocolates, great. If you want to spend the day feasting in honor of some old dead saint, great. If you want to spend the whole day watching movies and sitting in the tub (this is my activity of choice, at the moment), great!

And those are my two main guidelines. As long as you eat some quality chocolate and avoid giving in to the pressure, you should enjoy yourself. If you're still having a hard time, let me know and I will make you some cake or something.

We hermits have to stick together, metaphorically speaking. Happy Valentine's Day, and Happy Hermit-ing!


Jarom said...

Quality chocolate... check
Movie... check

Jan said...

I love Eternal Sunshine. And I agree with that quote. Valentine's should be about expressing your love to everyone, not just your significant other!


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