Quarter-Life Crisis #127

I'm starting to feel like I have a quarter-life crisis about every 3 months or so. I'll figure out what I want to do, where I want to live, etc, and then 3 months later I have to re-evaluate my life again. And then I start banging my ahead against walls, screaming, "What am I doing with my life?!" while my roommate rolls her eyes and shoots me with tranquilizers.

Okay. Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Tranquilizers are too messy.

Seriously, though. I think it's time for me to have an official plan--one that doesn't expire every few months. So, here's the plan as it stands right now:

1) Finish up the school year.

2) Strike oil.

3) Travel the world.

Perfect. It's foolproof!!

Calling All Inventors

I am looking for someone who can invent a "Lung Squeegee". Yes, a Lung Squeegee. Like, a squeegee for the lungs. Because, I don't know about you, but my lungs could use some heavy squeeging.

Eew. Didn't anyone else cringe when I used the phrase "heavy squeeging"? I reserve all rights to use that as a band name.

Well, the challenge has been made, my friends. I expect someone to have a working prototype of the Lung Squeegee on my desk in 3 weeks. Your reward will be a hug and a cookie.

Flowers for Whom: The Conclusion

Here's an update on the flowers, since I know all of you were just DYING to know what happened.

And I just can't let my 24 followers live in suspense. My conscience can't handle those types of shenanigans. (Yes, I just used the word "shenanigans" in a sentence. I also plan on using the word "defibrillator" at some point in this entry. Just you wait. Also, watch for the word "squeegee" in a future post.)

Of course, I called the floral shop to find out what happened to my poor little lost flowers. Apparently, they weren't lost at all--they just had never been delivered. Mystery solved! So, I went to pick them up, and the lady was so sweet. She even gave me chocolate truffles by way of apology. In my opinion, truffles will make up for just about anything.

Well, maybe not anything. If you murder one of my family members, truffles just aren't going to cut it.

Unless they're really good truffles, and the family member deserved it.

Just kidding, family. Mostly. Ahem.... I mean, really. :-)

Anyway, here are my beautiful flowers from "The Julianna Fan Club", and this is my super excited face!

Yep. I look pretty excited, don't I? I'm so excited, in fact, that someone may need to pull out the defibrillator soon. (Yes. That just happened.)

Oh, and I realize that pretty much all of my pictures on this blog are taken with my computer. *Sigh* I do leave this basement, I swear. I just don't like taking a camera with me....

Anyway, thanks for the flowers!

Flowers for Whom?

Today I got an email from a floral shop. The email says, "On Monday February 8th, you received flowers from us. We would like your feedback."

Here is my feedback:

"Next time I receive flowers from you, I would love to actually receive them."

That's like adding insult to injury, isn't it? NOT delivering flowers to me, and then telling me they want me to provide feedback on the flowers I didn't get? I mean, without that email I would never have known that I was supposed to get flowers. Now, though, I'm going to sit here wondering what happened to them.

Oh well. Maybe the neighbors upstairs received them, instead, and are enjoying them.

Or maybe they were carnations and the flower delivery guy instinctively knew that carnations are not my favorite, so he didn't bother to deliver them.

Anyway, if you were the person who decided to send me flowers, thanks so much! Sorry I didn't say anything earlier.

Happy Valentine's Day! Here are some flowers for you:

Valentine's Day Survival Guide

"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

--From the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you are one of the thousands of people who thinks the above quote is accurate, you need to keep reading.

If you don't agree with the above quote, you may skip to the bottom of this entry and leave a note telling me that I am beautiful, witty, and amazing. Or something along those lines.

It is time for another Healthy Living Spotlight, brought to you by the Hermit Association. Hooray! Grab your heart-shaped notebook and Lisa Frank pencil, friends, because you are going to want to take copious notes.

Are you depressed that you don't have a special someone in your life at the moment? Do you burst into tears whenever you pass by the Valentine's Day section at the local grocery store? Have you bought Twilight-themed Valentines to give to yourself?

--OR--

Are you one of those none-single people who now faces the arduous task of finding that perfect gift? Does the thought of purchasing jewelry make you break out in hives? Have you decided to just throw in the towel and buy your special someone the cheapest chocolate you can find?

If you have answered yes to any of the following questions, I need you to put down the deep-fried Twinkie and pull yourself together! This V-Day madness has got to stop.

I propose that all of us, singles and non-singles alike, choose to follow some basic guidelines in order to avoid the "Roses are Red, Violets are" BLUES. (Ha ha. I am SOOOO clever. Maybe I should start writing greeting cards.)

Here are a few simple ways to help you celebrate the holiday right:

1) DO NOT BUY THE CHEAP CHOCOLATE, NO MATTER HOW CUTE ITS HEART-SHAPED BOX MAY LOOK. No one likes that junk. If you are single, go splurge on something you actually enjoy. If you are buying the chocolate for the love of your life, FOR PETE'S SAKE, SPEND AN EXTRA THREE DOLLARS AND GET HIM/HER SOME TRUFFLES. My goodness.

2) Don't give in to the idea that you need to display some grand gesture of love in order to be validated this holiday. I did some extensive research about Valentine's Day, (or, in other words, I barely skimmed an article on Wikipedia) and it looks to me like this whole "romantic love" business is all Geoffrey Chaucer's fault! No offense intended, Geoff, but I think we would all be a little bit happier if you would have just stuck to your precious Canterbury Tales and left Valentine's Day alone. I mean, it used to be a feast in honor of St. Valentine, people! A FEAST!

Anyway, I'm just saying that it's a nice day to tell people in your life that you love them, but there shouldn't be pressure. If you want to give roses and chocolates, great. If you want to spend the day feasting in honor of some old dead saint, great. If you want to spend the whole day watching movies and sitting in the tub (this is my activity of choice, at the moment), great!

And those are my two main guidelines. As long as you eat some quality chocolate and avoid giving in to the pressure, you should enjoy yourself. If you're still having a hard time, let me know and I will make you some cake or something.

We hermits have to stick together, metaphorically speaking. Happy Valentine's Day, and Happy Hermit-ing!

My Dating Life

Have you all seen the Land Shark sketch from SNL?

That's my dating life, for you.

"You get out of here before I call the police! You're the shark and you know it!"

"Ma'am, I'm only a dolphin, ma'am."

"A dolphin? Well, okay."

Darn those clever sharks. They're everywhere.

National Read in the Bathtub Day

BREAKING NEWS

I just found out that tomorrow, February 9th, is National Read in the Bathtub Day. (And, no, I didn't make this one up. Someone else made it up.) How sweet of the powers that be to create a day devoted to one of my favorite pastimes!

However, this makes me wonder something.

What does one need to do in order to create a National day? Or, say, a National Hermit Month? Does anyone know, or does anyone want to do the Google search for me?

Let's make next year officially official.

And everyone else, read in the tub tomorrow!! I think I'll continue my quest through The Chronicles of Narnia. Here I come, Prince Caspian!

What are you going to be reading?

Time is all Relative, right?

"I will be late, but if you can just wait I will make it eventually."

--Excerpt from "The Next Ten Minutes" from The Last Five Years

Much to my father's chagrin, I am constantly late. (Sorry, Dad.) Usually I'm only about 5 to 10 (to 45) minutes late, but it's still something I'm constantly trying to improve. And constantly failing to improve.

I am an equal-opportunity late-comer, though, so please don't be offended if I happen to be late to your party/class/wedding. It isn't intentional at all. The whole concept of time just disappears for me when I'm trying to get ready to go somewhere. "It's 6:45. I'll start brushing my hair now, as I simultaneously watch a movie and practice the piano. It's 8:00?! How does this happen?"

So, it was no surprise to anyone, most likely, when my roomie and I walked into church a couple of minutes late. One of the Bishopric was standing on the pulpit, welcoming everyone to church. "I just want to welcome all of you," he said. And then he added, "I especially want to welcome those of you who were on time, or even early."

*Sigh* Nothing makes you feel like a bigger jerk than walking in late when someone at the pulpit is not-so-subtly chastising late-comers.

Oh well. As I see it, this whole time concept is just important for us mortals. So, when we all die and go to Heaven, it won't matter. Right? I just have an eternal perspective. That's it.

I bet you feel guilty now for chastising Miss Eternal Perspective, don't you? HAH!

I best be off. I don't want to be late to dinner at my parents' house.....

BZZZZZT

Thanks for all your participation during Hermit Month. I feel that we all pulled together really well and found the true spirit of hermithood.

Apparently, for me, that spirit consists of lots of bubble baths, sweets, reading, movie-watching, and lots of sleep. Lots and lots of glorious, uninterrupted, warm sleep.

What contributed to this obscene amount of sleep, you may be asking yourself? Let me introduce you to my new best friend: the electric blanket.

How is it that it has taken me 23 years to fall in love with such a brilliant invention? It's absolutely glorious! So glorious, in fact, that it takes every ounce of willpower for me to drag my useless body out of bed every morning.

Hence, my sleep time has greatly increased. Oh, and according to some (most likely bogus) study I discovered, my new best friend is going to make me gain weight. Stupid scientists. They take the fun out of everything.

Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that it's a bad idea to make toast in the tub. *Jules chuckles.* Foolish scientists.

Well, I'm going to go make some cinnamon toast and take a bubble bath. Maybe I'll take my electric blanket in there with me.

Happy Hermit-ing.