High Five!

I saw a very disturbing thing at Wal-Mart today. (I feel like that sentence is redundant. It would be surprising if I didn't see something disturbing at Wal-Mart.)

Anyway, let me introduce today's Wal-Mart wonder...

The "Gummy Candy Hand with Crunchy Bone Candy Inside!"
Yes, friends, this candy concoction weighs 1 1/2 pounds and is bigger than both of your hands put together. If you eat this whole thing, you will consume 1500 calories.

What the...?!

Who wants to eat a pound and a half of gummy candy shaped into a severed hand? And who wants to discover crunchy bone-shaped candy inside while they're munching on the flesh-colored gummy goo? Who sees that and thinks, "Oooh! Perfect. I'll pass this out to my trick-or-treaters. Or, perhaps I'll serve this to my guests at that classy Halloween shindig I'm throwing."

I mean, who in their right mind is going to buy such a useless.... Oh. It's 75% off? Well, I guess I could use this for something.

Damn you, Wal-Mart, and your falling prices.

Here we go....

Miracle of miracles! I sort of feel human today! Praise the Lord. I'm going to be very brave and attempt to teach some children today. The goal is to get through the day without throwing up, passing out, or bursting into tears. Lofty goals, I know.

I'm nervous. Wish me luck!

This is getting old.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get some antibiotics. Rock on. As I was leaving, they said, "If you don't feel better in 7 to 10 days, call us."

7 to 10 days? No offense, Doc, but if I'm not feeling better in a week, I think I'm calling Doctor Kevorkian instead.

I'm posting this picture before the paparazzi can publish it in the tabloids.

You know your neck is swollen when people actually notice it's fatter. I feel like all of the lymph nodes in my throat gave birth to new lymph nodes. Either that or my body is preparing to grow two new heads out of my neck.

Either way, I don't like it and I want it to stop.

On a good note, being sick means you don't have to get ready for the day, or care if you look like you just crawled out of some shallow grave.

Yes, I'm returning this movie to Blockbuster. Yes, I'm wearing pajama pants and flip flops and haven't done my hair or make up in three days. Got a problem?

My wonderful roomie just bought me push pops and ginger ale. That's true love right there. Thanks, Taren. I sure hope I don't give you this terrible virus, whatever it is.

This is my audition photo for America's Next Top Model. I hear Push Pops really want to sponsor next season.

Don't Judge Me. I'm Contaminated.

BLARGH.

I might be going a little crazy. Other than a trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and a quick stroll around the neighborhood this morning, I haven't left this basement in two days.

That is not good for my health. Or productivity. CURSE YOU, SICKNESS!! While everyone else is out there being all cool and getting the H1N1 Virus, I'm getting Bronchitis and Strep Throat. That probably means I'll get the Swine Flu in February or something when it's totally out of style.

I'm always behind on these trends.

Oh well. The good thing about sickness is that it makes any type of hermit behavior seem normal and admirable, even!

"I didn't go to church today because I didn't want to infect the innocent and very special people in the ward." "Good for you. Way to look out for others."

I know. I'm frickin' Mother Teresa.

So, while I'm stuck in my basement, I'll take the opportunity to watch the first season of Heroes, which I have been planning on watching for a few years. I've watched 11 in the course of two days. Pathetic, right? What makes it even more pathetic is that the site I'm using to watch it gives you a time limit and informs you when you've exceeded that limit. "You have watched 72 minutes of this show. Please wait 54 minutes."

Nothing makes you feel worse than when your computer says, "Haven't you had enough, young lady? Maybe you should go do something productive for the next hour."

Shove it, Mac. And bring me a popsicle.

Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween, everyone!

What did I do for this pagan holiday? Pretty much nothing, since my head feels like it's going to a splode. Not my favorite. So, instead of dressing up like a sexy kitty cat and going to some party with other girls dressed up as sexy versions of animals and common occupations, I stayed home with Taren and watched Prom Night.

Yeah, we're awesome.

Recipe

Sorry for not posting the cookie recipe before. Here it is:

Really Yummy Chocolate Chip Cookies from The Worldwide Ward Cookbook

(Note: While I typically don't support people who try to exploit the church for profit, I actually love this cookbook. It's got a lot of those comfort foods that I just love....)

1 lb. butter (no substitutes)

1 1/2 C. sugar

2 c. brown sugar

4 Tbsp. vanilla

3 eggs, beaten

2 Tbsp. baking soda

6 C. flour

4 C. chocolate chips

Cream the butter and sugars. Add vanilla, eggs, and soda. Blend in flour well. Fold in chocolate chips. Bake at 350 degrees for 5-7 minutes. Makes 4-5 dozen cookies.