Oh, the Bachelor

Confession: I watched all two hours of The Bachelor season finale, even though I didn't really watch any of the season.

And then I dreamed about being on the Bachelor.

And I didn't get chosen by the Bachelor.

Now, that's just sad. Though, I will say that my dream episode of the Bachelor was a lot more exciting than the actual season finale. I mean, there was a cat fight in mine. A cat fight, people! I didn't see anything even close to a cat fight on the actual season finale. (Though, if they played "On the Wings of Love" one more time, I'm sure some of the studio audience would have rushed the stage and started swinging punches.)

I'm telling you, the producers of the Bachelor need to come find me, because I would make the show interesting. Here are some things I would like to do if I somehow made it on to the show (unlikely) and somehow made it past the first episode (impossible):

1) Punch out the bachelor when he didn't give me a rose.

2) Tell the bachelor that he just wasn't my type, and voluntarily leave.

3) Be a total prude. None of this spending a night in a hotel business. "Thanks for the date. Oh! Look at the time! I'd better be getting home to my own bed, where I will keep my moral standards and continue to be a virtuous woman."

Hmmm. Okay. That might be the main reason I would never be allowed on such a show.

Seriously, though, the Bachelor guy kept talking about how the girl he chose was "naturally sexy" and there was great physical chemistry between the two of them. Those seemed to be the main qualities he based his decision on. That's nice, but aren't you wanting a wife, my friend? What happens when you're both elbow deep in diapers? Or when you guys are sick or old or fat or whatever? Are you going to be sexy then?

Here's what I would love to see happen for at least one season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. No more of these dates in exotic places like St. Lucia. I think you should go on a camping trip that starts out with a 3-day bus ride. You'll have to sit next to the bus bathroom, the air conditioning will go out half-way through the trip, and there will be a screaming baby on the bus. That will bring out the true colors quickly, I should say.

I'm telling you, ABC, this is what the show should be.