Jules, Julie, and Julia

I happened to thoroughly enjoy the movie "Julie and Julia".

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the Julia parts, anyway. I get the feeling that the Julie character is somewhat annoying...

Anyway, of course this made me want to try cooking from Julia Child's cookbook. Well, guess who got Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Christmas? Me! Me!

So, I think we should make a new movie: Jules, Julie, and Julia. Julia writes the cookbook, Julie reads the cookbook and blogs about it, Jules watches the movie and...totally messes up every recipe in the book. Because, let's face it, that's what's going to happen.

Doesn't THAT sound exciting?

Merry Christmas?

One of my students gave me this: a giant peppermint stick.

Well, the official name of it is "Big Mint Stick". (Ah, the creativity of these candy-makers astounds me. Somehow, I don't think Willy Wonka had anything to do with creating this one.)

What do I do with a Big Mint Stick? It's huge! So far, the only thing I can think of is to suck on one end of it until it becomes dangerously pointy. Then I'll hang it by my door, right next to the anti-rape alarm and the studly picture of John Stamos. That way, if anyone happens to make it past both the alarm and Uncle Jesse, he'll get a minty stake through the heart.

The name has to be changed, though. The "Big Kill-The-Intruder Stick"? I'll work on it.

Any better ideas?

I Do NOT Remember Him!

Do you ever have what I like to refer to as "sitcom moments"? Like, you run into someone who has man hands or you invite an alien to be your roommate? This kind of stuff happens to me all the time!

I mean, ahem, my roommate is not an alien. *Shifty eyes* (Your secret is still safe, Taren. Phew!)

Well, I had one of those "Friends" moments the other day. Do any of you remember this gem with Brad Pitt? Even if you don't, you're going to be treated to it right now, thanks to the magic of YouTube:

Oh, Brad. *Sigh* Why did you hook up with Angelina?! WHY?!!

Not important. Here's the "Friends" moment that showed up in my life a little while ago: this dude Will hates Rachel, and she doesn't even remember him.

Let's switch over to my life now, where the people are not quite as funny or attractive, but they also aren't quite as devoid of morals, so it all balances out.

I was hanging out with one of my friends, who we'll call Jim. (Names have been changed, just for fun.)

Jim: Do you remember Juan from choir?

Me: Juan? Um...nope. I'm drawing a complete blank. Who?

Jim: Juan. You really don't remember him?

Me: No. Not at all.

Jim: Well, he certainly remembers you.

Me: What does that mean?

Jim: He doesn't like you at all.

Me: What?! Why?!

Jim: Apparently he asked you out and you totally shut him down. He thinks you're a total (insert not so kind word here).

Me: That's so sad! I don't even remember that at all!

Jim: Well, knowing Juan, he probably mumbled it so you didn't even hear it.

How sad! Some kid I don't even remember hates me! I'm distraught about this. I like to think I'm a semi-likeable person, but my enemies list seems to be growing, especially after those anti-Robert Pattinson blog posts I wrote.

And, just in case you're reading this, Robert, I don't dislike YOU. I just don't think you're very good-looking. We can still be friends, though!

Oh well. You're still my friend, right? Right?

Anyone?

*Crickets chirp*

Fortunately.

Nerdy Jules Fact #1:  I collect fortunes.  Yes, that's right; fortune cookie fortunes.

I don't know why I do this, but it's a habit that I've come to accept.  Every time I eat at a Chinese restaurant, I write down the date on the back of the fortune and put it in my wallet.  I just want to see if any of these fortunes end up coming true.

I started writing the dates down a few years ago.  My family and I were at a Chinese buffet for some reason or another.  (It must have been some very fancy event:  we were at a buffet, after all.  "Is it okay if I get some Lo Mein?"  "Honey, you can eat as much Lo Mein as you want.  We spare no expense here.")

ANYway...

My brother Brandon and I had just decided that we were going to chill that night, since we had nothing better to do.  Then we cracked open our fortune cookies.  I don't remember what his said, but mine was this:

"The evening promises romantic interests."

Hmmmmm.  Needless to say, this one did not come true.

But, that doesn't mean that other fortunes don't come true!  I mean, I got this gem a couple of years ago:

"You and your spouse will be happy in your life together."

Okay, so this hasn't happened YET, but I have high hopes that somewhere in the distant future this will become a reality!  Then I'll have to write some sort of letter to those random people who work themselves to the bone everyday brainstorming new phrases that will be perfect for the the crunchy cardboard-flavored fortune cookies that bring the world such joy!

Dear Fortune Writers,

You've done it!  You have successfully predicted my fortune, and I thank you for it.  I am going to request that your boss raises your wage from $7.50 an hour to $7.65.  No need to thank me.  You just get back to typing out those fortunes.  Oh, and please stick to fortunes.  I don't need any more truisms (ex. "Your thoughts are highly regarded.") or helpful advice (ex. "Visit a park.  Enjoy what nature has to offer.).  I would just appreciate it if you would continue to accurately predict my future.

Much love,

Jules

Now, maybe I'll send this letter if my fortune from yesterday comes true:

"A bold and dashing adventure is in your future."

Dashing, eh?  Sounds exciting and...British-ish.  I'm in.

Have any of you ever had your fortune come true?

I'm just SHO EXSHITED!!

Ahem.  Friends and family, there truly are Christmas miracles.   BEHOLD!

Before

(I feel that this photo of my mom and me particularly showcases the ghetto-ness of my formerly crooked teeth. )

During

My final night of braces....

AFTER!

It's a Christmas miracle!!  I went in to the orthodontist and he said, "How do you feel about your teeth?"

"...Good.  There are a couple of things that aren't completely perfect.  Is that going to be a problem?"

"Well, I could keep the braces on for another month and tweak things, if you like...."

"TAKE 'EM OFF!  TAKE 'EM OFF!"

I was just so excited!  Then he informed me that I have to wear a retainer 24 hours a day for the next year.

I'm not so excited about that part.  (Make sure you read that sentence with a spitty voice, since I now have the wonderful retainer lisp.)  *Sigh*  The sacrifices we make for self-improvement....

Eeeew.

I don't care how popular Glee! is.  I would rather die than be in a show choir.  *Shudder*  And I'm a choir teacher, so that says something.

Speaking of choir, we have our Christmas concert tonight.  Wish me luck.

This one time....

Do you ever feel like you're boring or unadventurous?

I was on a date once with a guy who asked, "What's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

Hmmmm. Think, think, think. Ooh! Maybe I could talk about that one time in high school when I skipped class.... Wait. That doesn't count because I got my teacher to excuse me, first. I know! I could tell him about that one night when I randomly drove to Wendover with some friends and...walked around the casinos. THAT would be an exciting story.

It was at this moment that I realized how incredibly boring I am. Sure, I'd always had a sneaking suspicion that I was somewhat bland, but as I sat there eating my Thai Red Curry--the same thing I always get at Thai restaurants, I might add--I suddenly knew that I was just a boring person. The kind of person who might spend her Saturday nights blogging, for example.

You know what's funny about this whole thing? I've tried to be a good girl my whole life. And what do I have to show for it now? Well, I certainly don't have any amusing anecdotes to bring up during a date. That's for sure!! What good is a happy life if you don't have street cred? Am I right?

Well, from here on out this is going to change. I'm going to be dangerous!! (After all, if you mix up the letters in my last name, it spells TROUBLE!!! I'm so darn clever.)

Here is a list of all of the rebellious things I've done today:

I didn't buckle my seatbelt until nearly ten minutes AFTER I started driving.

I skipped the gym and decided to eat chocolate instead.

I didn't make my bed or fold my clothes. HA!

That's my list so far. Yes, my friends, I'm on my way to having all sorts of fun stories to tell at those wild parties I'm going to start attending.

Maybe We Can Find a Banana For Your Monkey

"Now, generally I'd hesitate about passing an opinion about somebody's kid, but even if I don't say it, it's an ugly baby."

--Flip Wilson

I realize that someone is going to burn me at the stake for saying this, but I don't think newborn babies are cute. I just don't. Every single one, without exception, (yes, that includes yours) looks like some sort of alien or monster.

(Good grief! A 19 pound baby! Gross.)

Granted, some are better-looking than others, but they're all ugly.

Really, though, how could you expect a brand new baby to be cute? The little dear has sat in a tummy for 9 months, only to be brought into the world via a tiny, goo-covered passage-way. It's not exactly a pretty process. It's only natural that the poor thing is going to look like a lizard for a while.

So, please don't show me a picture of your fresh-out-of-the-oven child, complete with the wrinkled-up face all covered in goo, and expect me to gush about how beautiful he/she is. I won't.

Now, if you show me a picture several months later, I will definitely be gushing.

(Aw. See? Not wrinkled and goo-covered now. At the moment, anyway.)

Of course, all of MY babies will be completely gorgeous, right? So I will be showing you all of the pictures of the fetus and goo and naked bathtub photos. And you'd better gush over them, so help me.

*Sarcasm intended.