A (completely fabricated) History of Hermits

What is this National Hermit Month, you may be asking, and how did it all come about? Excellent questions, my friends. Excellent questions, indeed.

The truth is that Hermits and Shermits (she hermits) have been around since the very first January decided to declare its presence with characteristic cold weather and general orneriness. Now, I wasn't there for the inception (BWONG!) of the hermits, but I imagine it happened like this:

*DRAMATIZATION*

Scene: MAN and WOMAN have finished their December holiday partying, and decide it's time to leave their cave for some fresh air. They take a deep breath and take one step out of their cave, when suddenly EVIL JANUARY runs out of the woods and uses his icicle club to bludgeon MAN and WOMAN repeatedly until they have no choice but to limp back into the safety of their cave. EVIL JANUARY laughs maniacally.

The End.

And that was the beginning of fairies. I mean hermits.

So, really, we come by our hermithood naturally. It's perfectly normal for people to want to crawl inside a hole and do nothing but sit in a bubble bath and watch Castle all day, because that's what our ancient ancestors did. (That's right. They had bubble baths and TV in the stone age. Don't let anyone tell you differently.) The next time someone tries to chastise you for being lazy in the month of January, feel free to chastise them for attempting to thwart Mother Nature.

Take THAT, you ambitious, non-hermits.

Well, I've let slip some of my fav hermit activities. What are yours? Anyone?

(If you say World of Warcraft, you shall be stricken from my blog. Also, this is terrifying. Completely unrelated, but terrifying.)

Happy hermit-ing!

GASP!

Oh no! It's National Hermit Month (Julianna's made-up month) and I've missed nearly a third of it!

I am a disgrace to all hermits. Or am I? *Raised eyebrow*

I will have you know that I have been extremely hermitish so far this January--cranky, whiny, depressed, etc. Ha! I have been the best hermit ever!

Actually, I've been distracted by a few things...mainly these adorable guys:

So, maybe I've been a little distracted. BUT FEAR NOT! The hermit-ing will continue.

Let the National Hermit Month Festivities begin!

Mornings. GAH.

I am not a morning person. Have I mentioned this before? Yes. Will I continue to mention it? As long as I have to wake up in the morning, yes.

Are there any other non-morning people who feel my pain--the pain that comes from rolling out of bed before 6 am? I'm betting most of the people reading this feel the same way I do, as a matter of fact. So, here's my question:

If the majority of us are NOT morning people, why is it that we allow morning people to dictate our work/school schedules, hmm? Is it because they get up before we do and beat us to all of the decision-making meetings?

"All those in favor of starting the work day before 10 raise your hands. Hey! It looks like everyone here is in favor of this proposition. That's surprising! I thought for sure that the night people would vote against it."

"Um, sir, we're holding this meeting at 7:30 am. None of the night people made it."

"Ah."

Well, let's not be bullied any longer. I say we decide to start the work day at 10:00 am. None of this starting at 7:00 am stuff. Night people, now is the time to unite. Here is my plan:

First of all, we deprive the morning people of their caffeine. I'm sure they wouldn't be so happy about mornings without their coffee.

Secondly...that's as far as I've gotten. I'll work more on the plan when it's not so early in the morning. And then we will conquer, and the world will be glorious. I mean, if all businesses decided to open at ten, it would be totally cool! We could all get a little more sleep or get a few things done around the house or whatever. Brilliant? Yes. I should rule the world. But only after 10 am.

NO, Katy. NO.

Once upon a time, I mentioned a few people who need a "No Girl"--someone to just say no to their bad ideas. Well, let me add Katy Perry to that list.

There are many times a No Girl would have been helpful for Katy. ("I think I'm going to marry Russell Brand." "No, Katy. No.") But I'm only going to address one.

Have you heard Katy's song Firework? I like it. It's catchy and has a nice message. However, have you seen the Firework music video? No? Behold! (You only need to watch the first minute or so to catch the "No" moment, though the whole video is weird.)



Now, children, can any of you guess which moment requires a no? Choose from one of the following options:

a) Shots of the city
b) Pool party
c) Family fight
d) THAT ONE PART WHERE FIREWORKS START SHOOTING OUT OF HER BOOBS.

Any guesses? D? Is that your final answer?

*Dora the Explorer Voice* VERY GOOD!

Honestly! What is going on? I get the concept--we're all special and have light within us. Yada yada. But is that really the best visual? Fireworks shooting out of our chests? Call me crazy, but I don't find that image very inspiring. To be honest, it reminds me of that scene from Austin Powers where the Go Go Girl Robots have machine guns in their chests....

Sorry. We're getting a little graphic today.

The point is that it's high time I make a business out of this No Girl thing. Everybody needs a No Girl (including me). I could be rich. RICH!

So, who wants to be the first person to hire me? Anyone, anyone? Willow Smith?

Well, Byron....

I work in a very small call center. In fact, there are certain times during the day when only one person is on the phone. Today, I got chewed out by someone who was on hold for too long. As I was apologizing to him and explaining that I was the only one answering phone calls at the moment, I couldn't help but think of :26 of this clip:




"Well, Byron, surprisingly, it's just me."

Is it weird that I think this clip is hilarious? Maybe it's the lack of sleep. 7:00 am is way too early for me to be functioning... *Twitch.*

The Other Dark Meat

Oh! Just to give you a little glimpse of what I've been doing for the last little while, here's the Demon Chicken trailer. I've written all the music for the film (including what you hear in the trailer), and I may or may not be the blue girl in this.... Come see it, my friends! Tickets are just three bucks, and it should be lots of fun. (How often do you get to go to a red carpet premier, anyway?) I will see you there!

Bears Have It So Easy.

I keep starting blog posts, attempting to make up for the hiatus I've taken from writing, but the perfectionist in me screams, "No! Not good enough! You have to do something epic to make up for your neglect!" That darn perfectionist. It's impossible for me to get anything done with her around. So, I've taken this moment to gag the perfectionist within and lock her in the closet, so to speak. Quick! Let's have a chat before she gets out!

How have y'all been? (Please feel free to verbalize your answer.) Wonderful, wonderful. I've been cold and tired, but other than that I'm fantastic. You know what I've discovered? Scraping the ice off my car is one of my least favorite activities ever, and doing it at 6:30 in the morning is hell. Oh, if only there were a way to hibernate through the winter....



Somebody get me some Hibernol, STAT!

Uh oh. Miss Perfectionist is starting to break out. I'll see you later.