Friday, June 26, 2009

I want my money back.

One of the requirements of being a hermit is that you must be content with staying in your home for long periods of time. You must find a way to entertain yourself, whether it be through knitting a variety of cat sweaters or writing angst-ridden poetry. Luckily for all of you, my hermit escape mechanism is movie-watching. I do like me a good movie. A bad movie, on the other hand, is a very sad thing indeed. What can be more depressing than watching proof that millions of dollars were wasted on creating a 2 hour long torturous experience for the millions of people who will inevitably go to see it? (Maybe it's more depressing to calculate how much time and money we as humans collectively waste when we go to see the piece of rubbish.)

You all care so much, don't you? I can tell from the glazed-over look in your eye.

Ok, FINE! I understand that none of you care about my love for movies, or my ridiculously forceful opinions about them. But, so help me, you're going to listen! *Jules locks the door. She has that feverish glare in her eye, which is not a good sign. Uh oh. Now her eyes are twitching. You should have left the room before we got to this point.*

I want to have a little talk with you about a lovely little movie called Transformers 2. *thunder and lightning* Have any of you seen Transformers 2? *thunder and lighting* DID YOU MISS VALUABLE HOURS OF SLEEP TO GO SEE TRANSFORMERS 2?!! *thunder and lightning*

Well, if you can't tell by my mounting levels of frustration, I did. Currently, the terrible movie is running through my head non-stop. My brain is about ready to start hemorrhaging, just so it can escape the torture of reliving that movie again. So, since I might not be around much longer, I feel that it is my duty as a decent citizen of the world to warn you.

I understand if you feel like you need to go see it. The first Transformers movie was pretty good, right? Perhaps you loved watching the cartoon as a child. Perhaps you love Shia LeBeouf and want to support him in any way you can. Maybe you feel like you must always see movie sequels, because you need closure. I understand these feelings, my friend, but don't give in! It's not worth it, believe me. I went to see it because of these reasons, and it was a mistake.

Are you still not convinced that you need to stay away from this film? Well, let me tell you about some of the highlights...or lowlights, I guess. (I'm not going to mention the story and dialogue in this list, but just know that they are terrible.) Without further ado, here is the list:

1. The two jive-talking, "comic relief" robots. Not since Jar Jar Binks have I wanted to kill a computer-generated character so violently. (That's saying something. I made it through Star Wars episodes 1-3 simply by daydreaming about all of the horrific ways to torture Jar Jar.... Does that make me a bad person?)

2. An over-abundance of skankeriffic girls. Now, I'm sure sleazy girls talking in seductive tones will be a big hit with most of the teenage boys and low-life slobs who will see this movie, but for those people who don't enjoy seeing women portrayed as nothing more than stereotypical sex objects, this can get annoying. (Or maybe that's just my jealousy talking. I guess I'll have to work out a little more so I can wear my Daisy Dukes while I fix motorcycles; then I'll be as awesome as Megan Fox.) *sarcasm*

3. The mentioning of President Obama. Maybe this is just me, but I have a hard time when movies "date" themselves like that. By saying Obama is the president, you make two huge mistakes: 1) You ruin the movie magic for me, because now you've just mixed fictional alien robots with a real president. 2) Now the movie can only be relevant for Obama's presidential term, because after 2012 (hopefully) or 2016 if he gets elected for another term (heaven forbid), Obama will no longer be the president. I'm just saying.

There's the small list for now. I'd write more down, but some of them are just too horrendous to mention. What? You're still not convinced? You're going to get on and purchase tickets right now?! NO! Don't do it. I'm warning you....

Okay, I wasn't going to list this last horrific "lowlight" for Transformers 2, but you have given me no choice. I'm sorry that it's come to this.

Reason 4. THEY SHOW JOHN TURTURRO IN A THONG. *The entire nation vomits simultaneously.* Yes. That's right. And it's not from a distance, either. You will see a close up of John's thong-clad nether regions, front and back, and it will be much larger than life on that movie screen. You will have no defense! And, as your eyes are scalded and your mind tainted forever from such an image, you will remember the warning I gave you. There will be much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. You will cry out, "Why? WHY?! Why did I not listen to the words of Julianna?"

That's all I'm saying, really.


Taren said...

what about the transformer humping her leg. if nothing else, that ruined it for me right there. i couldn't accept it as a real movie after that.

Rachel Poulsen said...

I absolutely could not agree more. Rich and I actually walked out of it after the shocking display of skankishness, so I don't even know the end of the pathetic story line.


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