Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

Today on our "Healthy Living Spotlight", which is a new feature on this blog, we are going to address a topic that has caused angst among old and young people around the world: Dating.

Dating can be very bad for your health. It's a fact. It can cause great mental anguish, weight gain, concentration problems, dangerous "twitterpation", and eventually turn you into one of these people .

Of course, sometimes dating can lead to marriage.

But most of the time, it just leads to this:

(Poor Dawson. It's okay. Dating is hard for all of us.)

So, in order to protect you fragile people from the dangers of dating, we here at the Hermit Association (HA) would like to provide you with some healthy alternatives to dating. Without further ado, here is our guide:

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

1) Become a philanthropist. It worked really well for Mother Teresa, after all. I'm pretty sure you will never hear anyone say, "Oh, that Mother Teresa. She could have been great if only she would have spent more time dating and found herself a man." Nope. She's the bomb, and you can be too! Want to know the secret? PHILANTHROPY! And having a super-awesome nun's habit. (Only $30 on ebay.)

We at HA salute you, Mother Teresa!

2) Get a dog! If you want undying devotion and affection, a dog is the perfect pet for you! Heaven knows they will always love you, unlike that jerk you're no doubt dating at this very moment. Just feed your dog some table scraps and he will love you for a lifetime (in dog years, of course.)

3) Go on a walkabout in Australia. Maybe you'll find him on your walkabout....*eyes glaze over while the author of this post sighs* OH. *snapping out of it* But, of course you won't date him, because dating is what we're trying to avoid. *Back pedaling* You'll shake his hand, say "G'day", and be on your way. You have a walkabout to attend to!

4) Stay at home and bash your head against a wall (preferably a sturdy wall). It won't last as long as a date, the pain will be less, and there will be fewer tears in the end.

5) Take up yodeling. We think that will keep you safe from dates, but it could have the opposite effect....

6) Spend several hours each day staring in the mirror telling yourself that it's okay that you're a twenty-something unmarried female living in Utah County. If you say this to yourself enough, it just might help combat the throng of married people who constantly elude to the fact that there is something wrong with you for still remaining unwed. It probably won't help, but it's a shot....

(That last one may not apply to all of you, but you can substitute some other phrase to boost your confidence.)

Well, thank you for tuning in to this edition of "Healthy Living". Remember, friends, there are several healthy alternatives to dating. Don't give in to peer pressure! We at HA are happy to assist you if you ever need a support group. Our call center is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.... We just can't seem to remember what the phone number is. Hmmm. Well, in the meantime, feel free to leave a note and we will be happy to help you out!




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