This post edited for content.

I apologize for not having a picture of this, but I'll just let you lovely readers imagine this.

I woke up this morning to find 8 blasted inches of snow on the ground. This did not help me with my "I-don't-want-to-go-to-work-today" attitude, especially since the snow had knocked over a tree in my yard--right over the walkway. Great. So, that meant I had to jump over it and trudge through the deepest parts of the snow. Hurdle #1 complete. Next I had to battle with another snow-laden tree that was covering the gate. Hurdle #2 complete. We'll just count my car as a big Hurdle #3, what with prying open the frozen-shut door, then scraping off the foot of snow.

Twenty minutes later I made it out of my driveway. What a lovely way to start the day.

It's $#@*#!@^&%$#%^@#$ April the 16th! *Jules mutters some more not-so-nice words under her breath.*

Moral of the story: Winter never ends. Sometimes Old Man Winter lets Delicate Spring come out for a while, but only so he can bludgeon her mercilessly, laughing all the while.

Homework: I want all of you to hold a candlelight vigil for Spring. She's currently in critical condition, and we all need to pray that she'll recover from the terrible beating she received this morning.



Hold on, Spring. Hold on.

On another note....

Oh. By the way, I turned 23 last week. *Confetti!*



Being 23 feels about the same as being 22, just in case you were wondering.

I'm am still accepting lavish birthday praises and gifts, just in case you were wondering. (Shameless self-promotion.)

That is all.

Sincerely,

Jules

Bananas

Mwhahahaha. I can now blog at work.... Excellent. :-)

Deep thought for the day:

I've decided that buying food for one person can be a very stressful endeavor. There's too much pressure! I can't get through the perishable foods fast enough!

*Jules puts her head in her hands and begins crying hysterically.*

Excuse me for one moment....

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Alright, I'm better now. Seriously, though, something must be done about the banana situation.

Bananas have a very small window of opportunity. I only like them when they're still yellow-green in color, just barely ripe. Like this:



Good bananas! The problem is that they only stay that way for about two days, and then they start getting those indecent brown spots. BLECH. I just can't bring myself to eat them once they get all mushy, so I have to wait for them to turn completely black and squishy beyond all reason. Then I make banana bread! Then I eat the whole loaf of banana bread by myself. This makes my love handles grow, thus ensuring that I will continue to be an old maid....

And I will still have to deal with the pressure of buying food for one person.

IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?! There must be a better banana-buying system.

Moral of the story: Bananas perpetuate the hermit cycle. Think about it.

Homework for all of you: Make the world a better place by developing a better banana system. The Hermit Association (HA) will appreciate your comments. (Though, the association will probably crush your ideas because HA is in favor of creating a world full of hermits....)

My own personal purgatory....

I just want all of you to imagine this scene with me.

Jules sits alone on the floor of a dark and damp cave. There is a heavy silence in the air, broken only by an ominous dripping noise, most likely coming from a drooling and vicious monster lurking in one of the dark corners. (But I digress.)

Suddenly, the heavy silence is broken by a loud ringing noise. Jules jumps from her spot on the frigid stone floor. She frantically searches for the source of the ringing, desperate to make it stop. Soon she realizes that the sound is coming from a telephone near her feet. Slightly hesitant, she picks up the phone.

"H-Hello?" she croaks.

The person on the other end is an elderly woman who speaks very slowly. "Hi. I...need...to...ask...you...a...question...about...scrap-booking."

The awful truth dawns on Jules: She is stuck in her own personal hell, doomed to answer telephone calls from crazy scrap-booking ladies forever.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" she screams.

Satan appears from one of the dark corners, holding a clipboard and shaking his head. "Tsk, tsk. That is not going to reflect well on your call evaluation."


Maybe I need to get another job....

Killjoy!

Dear Spring,

Stop playing with my emotions. I want this:



Not this:



Got it? Stop teasing me!

Yours Truly,

Jules

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

Today on our "Healthy Living Spotlight", which is a new feature on this blog, we are going to address a topic that has caused angst among old and young people around the world: Dating.

Dating can be very bad for your health. It's a fact. It can cause great mental anguish, weight gain, concentration problems, dangerous "twitterpation", and eventually turn you into one of these people .

Of course, sometimes dating can lead to marriage.

But most of the time, it just leads to this:

(Poor Dawson. It's okay. Dating is hard for all of us.)

So, in order to protect you fragile people from the dangers of dating, we here at the Hermit Association (HA) would like to provide you with some healthy alternatives to dating. Without further ado, here is our guide:

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

1) Become a philanthropist. It worked really well for Mother Teresa, after all. I'm pretty sure you will never hear anyone say, "Oh, that Mother Teresa. She could have been great if only she would have spent more time dating and found herself a man." Nope. She's the bomb, and you can be too! Want to know the secret? PHILANTHROPY! And having a super-awesome nun's habit. (Only $30 on ebay.)



We at HA salute you, Mother Teresa!

2) Get a dog! If you want undying devotion and affection, a dog is the perfect pet for you! Heaven knows they will always love you, unlike that jerk you're no doubt dating at this very moment. Just feed your dog some table scraps and he will love you for a lifetime (in dog years, of course.)

3) Go on a walkabout in Australia. Maybe you'll find him on your walkabout....*eyes glaze over while the author of this post sighs* OH. *snapping out of it* But, of course you won't date him, because dating is what we're trying to avoid. *Back pedaling* You'll shake his hand, say "G'day", and be on your way. You have a walkabout to attend to!

4) Stay at home and bash your head against a wall (preferably a sturdy wall). It won't last as long as a date, the pain will be less, and there will be fewer tears in the end.

5) Take up yodeling. We think that will keep you safe from dates, but it could have the opposite effect....

6) Spend several hours each day staring in the mirror telling yourself that it's okay that you're a twenty-something unmarried female living in Utah County. If you say this to yourself enough, it just might help combat the throng of married people who constantly elude to the fact that there is something wrong with you for still remaining unwed. It probably won't help, but it's a shot....

(That last one may not apply to all of you, but you can substitute some other phrase to boost your confidence.)


Well, thank you for tuning in to this edition of "Healthy Living". Remember, friends, there are several healthy alternatives to dating. Don't give in to peer pressure! We at HA are happy to assist you if you ever need a support group. Our call center is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.... We just can't seem to remember what the phone number is. Hmmm. Well, in the meantime, feel free to leave a note and we will be happy to help you out!

Love,

HA

Musings On a Friday Night When I Should Just Go To Bed....

Every now and then, a hermit must take a break from her tantrums and switch to musing. It must be done. And, it just so happens that the urge to do so has hit me at 11:45 on a Friday night. Ah well. I must obey the Hermit Code and follow my instincts. (Note to self: Put "Write a Hermit Code" on the to-do list for tomorrow....)

Musing #1: Some names make good substitute swear words. (Ex. "What the Jeff?") Chekhov is an excellent name for this, because it sounds like a swear word all by itself. (Just say it. Chekhov!)

Musing #2: Twilight is most definitely a worse movie the second time through. I thought the movie was painful enough the first time, but the second time through is much worse. Mildly funny, but also mildly painful. The entire movie consists of two not-so-good actors staring deeply into each other's eyes while trying desperately to *feel* something. Is Edward sucking on a sour candy the whole movie? Possibly. How else could he keep that angst-ridden look on his face throughout the WHOLE BLASTED FILM?! Is Bella capable of spitting out a line without stuttering or pausing? Apparently not.

And, yes, the cheesy electric guitar is going to play in the background for the entire movie. Don't hope for it to end, because it won't.

Way to go, Twilight makers. Way to go.

Musing #3: What is the exact definition of "musing", anyway? Because I think I'm still just ranting....

And, there you have it. Now the urge to sleep has suddenly hit me. Well, I must obey the code after all, and the code clearly states that a hermit must go to bed when she feels the urge to sleep. (At least, that's what the code will say when I write it tomorrow...if the urge to do so hits me.)