Valentine's Day Survival Guide

"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

--From the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you are one of the thousands of people who thinks the above quote is accurate, you need to keep reading.

If you don't agree with the above quote, you may skip to the bottom of this entry and leave a note telling me that I am beautiful, witty, and amazing. Or something along those lines.

It is time for another Healthy Living Spotlight, brought to you by the Hermit Association. Hooray! Grab your heart-shaped notebook and Lisa Frank pencil, friends, because you are going to want to take copious notes.

Are you depressed that you don't have a special someone in your life at the moment? Do you burst into tears whenever you pass by the Valentine's Day section at the local grocery store? Have you bought Twilight-themed Valentines to give to yourself?

--OR--

Are you one of those none-single people who now faces the arduous task of finding that perfect gift? Does the thought of purchasing jewelry make you break out in hives? Have you decided to just throw in the towel and buy your special someone the cheapest chocolate you can find?

If you have answered yes to any of the following questions, I need you to put down the deep-fried Twinkie and pull yourself together! This V-Day madness has got to stop.

I propose that all of us, singles and non-singles alike, choose to follow some basic guidelines in order to avoid the "Roses are Red, Violets are" BLUES. (Ha ha. I am SOOOO clever. Maybe I should start writing greeting cards.)

Here are a few simple ways to help you celebrate the holiday right:

1) DO NOT BUY THE CHEAP CHOCOLATE, NO MATTER HOW CUTE ITS HEART-SHAPED BOX MAY LOOK. No one likes that junk. If you are single, go splurge on something you actually enjoy. If you are buying the chocolate for the love of your life, FOR PETE'S SAKE, SPEND AN EXTRA THREE DOLLARS AND GET HIM/HER SOME TRUFFLES. My goodness.

2) Don't give in to the idea that you need to display some grand gesture of love in order to be validated this holiday. I did some extensive research about Valentine's Day, (or, in other words, I barely skimmed an article on Wikipedia) and it looks to me like this whole "romantic love" business is all Geoffrey Chaucer's fault! No offense intended, Geoff, but I think we would all be a little bit happier if you would have just stuck to your precious Canterbury Tales and left Valentine's Day alone. I mean, it used to be a feast in honor of St. Valentine, people! A FEAST!

Anyway, I'm just saying that it's a nice day to tell people in your life that you love them, but there shouldn't be pressure. If you want to give roses and chocolates, great. If you want to spend the day feasting in honor of some old dead saint, great. If you want to spend the whole day watching movies and sitting in the tub (this is my activity of choice, at the moment), great!

And those are my two main guidelines. As long as you eat some quality chocolate and avoid giving in to the pressure, you should enjoy yourself. If you're still having a hard time, let me know and I will make you some cake or something.

We hermits have to stick together, metaphorically speaking. Happy Valentine's Day, and Happy Hermit-ing!

My Dating Life

Have you all seen the Land Shark sketch from SNL?

That's my dating life, for you.

"You get out of here before I call the police! You're the shark and you know it!"

"Ma'am, I'm only a dolphin, ma'am."

"A dolphin? Well, okay."

Darn those clever sharks. They're everywhere.

National Read in the Bathtub Day

BREAKING NEWS

I just found out that tomorrow, February 9th, is National Read in the Bathtub Day. (And, no, I didn't make this one up. Someone else made it up.) How sweet of the powers that be to create a day devoted to one of my favorite pastimes!

However, this makes me wonder something.

What does one need to do in order to create a National day? Or, say, a National Hermit Month? Does anyone know, or does anyone want to do the Google search for me?

Let's make next year officially official.

And everyone else, read in the tub tomorrow!! I think I'll continue my quest through The Chronicles of Narnia. Here I come, Prince Caspian!

What are you going to be reading?

Time is all Relative, right?

"I will be late, but if you can just wait I will make it eventually."

--Excerpt from "The Next Ten Minutes" from The Last Five Years

Much to my father's chagrin, I am constantly late. (Sorry, Dad.) Usually I'm only about 5 to 10 (to 45) minutes late, but it's still something I'm constantly trying to improve. And constantly failing to improve.

I am an equal-opportunity late-comer, though, so please don't be offended if I happen to be late to your party/class/wedding. It isn't intentional at all. The whole concept of time just disappears for me when I'm trying to get ready to go somewhere. "It's 6:45. I'll start brushing my hair now, as I simultaneously watch a movie and practice the piano. It's 8:00?! How does this happen?"

So, it was no surprise to anyone, most likely, when my roomie and I walked into church a couple of minutes late. One of the Bishopric was standing on the pulpit, welcoming everyone to church. "I just want to welcome all of you," he said. And then he added, "I especially want to welcome those of you who were on time, or even early."

*Sigh* Nothing makes you feel like a bigger jerk than walking in late when someone at the pulpit is not-so-subtly chastising late-comers.

Oh well. As I see it, this whole time concept is just important for us mortals. So, when we all die and go to Heaven, it won't matter. Right? I just have an eternal perspective. That's it.

I bet you feel guilty now for chastising Miss Eternal Perspective, don't you? HAH!

I best be off. I don't want to be late to dinner at my parents' house.....

BZZZZZT

Thanks for all your participation during Hermit Month. I feel that we all pulled together really well and found the true spirit of hermithood.

Apparently, for me, that spirit consists of lots of bubble baths, sweets, reading, movie-watching, and lots of sleep. Lots and lots of glorious, uninterrupted, warm sleep.

What contributed to this obscene amount of sleep, you may be asking yourself? Let me introduce you to my new best friend: the electric blanket.

How is it that it has taken me 23 years to fall in love with such a brilliant invention? It's absolutely glorious! So glorious, in fact, that it takes every ounce of willpower for me to drag my useless body out of bed every morning.

Hence, my sleep time has greatly increased. Oh, and according to some (most likely bogus) study I discovered, my new best friend is going to make me gain weight. Stupid scientists. They take the fun out of everything.

Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that it's a bad idea to make toast in the tub. *Jules chuckles.* Foolish scientists.

Well, I'm going to go make some cinnamon toast and take a bubble bath. Maybe I'll take my electric blanket in there with me.

Happy Hermit-ing.

Down to the Wire. (What does that even mean?)

There are only 5 more days left of National Hermit Month, my friends. It's time to get serious and see how much junk food we can consume, how many books we can read, and how many movies/TV shows we can watch. Luckily for us, there are a few incentives to get us working hard on our hermit goals.

1) Girl Scout Cookie season! My roomie and I devoured some Samoa ice cream yesterday, and it was glorious. Feel free to order some and gorge yourself. You deserve it.

2) The Oscars are coming up. I don't necessarily LOVE the Oscars, particularly since the awards (lately) seem to be given out more for political reasons than anything else, (if Obama starred in any movie, he would automatically win best actor) but it's still a good excuse to watch a lot of movies. Why didn't I go to work today? Obviously I was at home in my pajamas, catching up on a year's worth of movies. Duh. What's the matter with you?!

3) The last season of LOST is starting next week. It's very important that you get caught up so you can watch it with the rest of the world.

I'm practically giddy with excitement. *Girlish Giggle*

(RANDOM THOUGHT: The song "Little April Showers" from Bambi just started playing on my Ipod. I hate that song and I hate that movie. I'm terrified right now. Why is this on my Ipod, anyway?! )

Ahem. Sorry about that.

All right, everyone. Let's end January with a bang.

Happy Hermit-ing.

The Ghetto Called. They Want Their Booty Back.

But I'm not giving it back to them!

It's no secret that I have what my little sister loving refers to as a "Beyonce Booty".

Usually I think I'm the only one who notices, but then certain things happen, like this:

A couple of weeks ago, my darling kindergarten children came into class. Now, our class consists of routine. They come in, sit in a circle, and then proceed to turn into little unmanageable balls of energy that run rampant around the room until class is done. This routine is very important.

On this particular day, they decided to skip the whole "sitting in a circle" part of the routine. I, being the incredible disciplinarian that I am, decided to nip this behavior in the bud. I said, "Children, what shape are we supposed to sit in when we come to class?" Then I drew different shapes on the board. A square? (The smart kindergarten kids said, "No!") A triangle? (No!) A diamond? (No!) A circle?

"Yes!" They cried in unison, with the exception of one little girl who said, "No. It's not finished yet."

"What's wrong with it?" I asked.

This darling girl came up to the board, erased a part of the circle, and said, "There. Now there's a place for you to sit."

Just when my heart was about to melt over the child's sweet gesture, all of the other kids yelled, "It's not done yet! Make it bigger."

So the girl erased more.

"Bigger!"

More was erased.

"BIGGER!"

All right, kids, that's enough. Little punks. Respect the Beyonce Booty, okay?