Not So Politically Correct

This blog entry has been a while in coming. I found it in my drafts and decided that it was just sad to leave an entry unfinished and with no one to love. (I recently just finished reading Frankenstein, and it has left me with an odd sense of responsibility for those things I create. I wouldn't want my half-finished blog entry to go on a rampage and start terrorizing the other entries, now would I?)

But, I digress.

Anyway, it just so happens that it's time for A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums 2nd Healthy Living Spotlight! (Did you miss the first one? Well, go look at it! You're missing out on valuable information!)

Now, for those of you who don't know, for about a year I had the glorious opportunity of working at the Scrapbook Company-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, talking to scrapbooking fanatics. All day long. I don't know if any of you are avid scrapbookers or know any, but they can be a little...um...intense....



BUT CREATIVE and very attentive to detail!

This week's spotlight is inspired by one of those scrapbooking ladies.

This particular lady called one day to explain that she was having a hard time selling products because her son was "100% handicapped".

*Quizzical look* 100% handicapped? Is it really necessary to specify the exact percentage of a person's handicap level?

YES. Yes it is.

Leave it to a detail-oriented scrapbooker to be brilliant enough to realize that this is something we as a society should have started years ago! I mean, if people continue to just say, "Hey! I have a handicap and I need to be excused from my responsibilities," how are we supposed to know if the handicap is legit, and not just a reference to a poor bowling average? HOW?!

Since "change" seems to be a popular theme nowadays (BLEH!), I submit that it's time for a bit of reform.

We at HA are now proposing a completely new and effective system of handicap percentage calculation. This new system is perfect for all people, but specifically tailored to those of us who are supposedly "normal", but sometimes do handicap-ish things, like tripping over cracks in the sidewalk or mispronouncing the word "library". (Anyone want to go to the liberry? Anyone?) For example, one of my dear friends was concerned when a teacher in elementary school told his mother that he "has trouble with buttons". It's time this person found out how truly sort-of handicapped he is. Or perhaps these people need to find out how sort-of handicapped they are:



Oh, wait. That's me and my roomie. Ha ha ha...ha.... Ahem.

For your convenience, here is the official HA Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage Calculator. It's pretty simple (unless you struggle with simple math, in which case you will have a higher Sort-Of Handicapped Percentage anyway). Just look through the various sort-of handicapped traits and see which ones apply to you. Then add up your percentage points and VOILA! It's kinda like those quizzes you take in the tween magazines. Don't pretend you haven't taken one before. I know that you couldn't resist finding out if your ideal man is Jacob or Edward.



Which one?! How can I choose?!

(By the way, if you are seriously debating which of these two is right for you, I'm giving you a social handicap percentage of 97%. And you're not invited to my birthday party. Heart ya!)

Okay, without further ado, here is the:

HA SORT-OF HANDICAPPED PERCENTAGE CALCULATOR! (For adults 18 and older)

Daily Tasks--

I have trouble with buttons: 2%
I often wear my clothes inside out, and don't realize it until roughly 4:00 in the afternoon: 2%
I often forget to take tags and stickers off my clothes: 2%
I think blankets are hard: 5%
I get more food on my clothes than in my mouth: 7%
I don't "own a toothbrush": 17%

Personal Tastes--

I have a legitimate love for any of the following--Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, Lil Bow Wow, High School Musical: 2%
My favorite animal is the chihuahua: 10%
My favorite car is my lime green Volkswagen New Beetle: 25%
I still secretly love the Goosebumps series: 5%
I love my knock-off brand Crocs and wear them everywhere I go: 5%
Transformers 2 is my favorite movie of all time: 10%

Miscellaneous--

I don't know how to use the correct form of there, their, they're, or your and you're: 7%
I don't know the difference between the Google bar and the URL address bar: 4%
I trip over my own shoes and constantly fall down stairs: 3%
I don't know who the Vice President of the United States is: 5%
There's such a thing as a Vice Presidentt of the United States?: 10%

How did you do? I hope this clears up any confusion in your life. Please feel free to submit any other sort-of handicapped attributes to the Hermit Association. We will be more than happy to update our list.

As always, fellow hermits, good luck out there.

Sincerely,

HA

Where have I been?

Is there such a thing as blogging narcolepsy? If there is, I have it. I'll be in the middle of creating a fabulous blog post, and then without warning I'll go into some catatonic state.

And the next thing I know it's a month later and I haven't posted anything. I blame the government. I'm sure they're behind it...somehow. I haven't quite figured out the motives behind the conspiracy, but I'll be sure to update you in my next post. Six months from now.

Would you like to know what I've been up to in the last month? Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you, anyway. Here are several of my major accomplishments since the end of September:

1) I learned the Thriller dance during my class at the gym. Be impressed.

2) I got the annual bronchitis. Hooray. Life wouldn't be complete without the hacking cough and wheezing breaths. Thanks, Bronchitis. Thanks.

3) I finally broke down and cleaned out my purse when I tried to find my keys (which are on a gigantic keychain, by the way) and couldn't. I did, however, find the following items: an inhaler, a bottle of HEMPZ lotion (complete with a picture of a marijuana plant on the bottle), a lipstick tube-shaped pen from the Spy Museum in DC, an A 440 tuning fork, a toothbrush, toothpaste, Tic Tacs, a camera, a book, too many tubes of lipgloss, miscellaneous coins, old movie ticket stubs, receipts, an ipod, a Beethoven CD, and my gigantic wallet. Let's not even start talking about what was in my wallet. It's pathetic. And, lest you think that my purse is one of those huge bottomless Mary Poppins-style carpet bags, it's not. It looks like this:



(No, that is definitely not my real hair. I just got back from a Halloween party thing, so I'm still wearing a wig. Though, I could get used to the look. For the first time in my life I'm tempted to chop my hair off and dye it blonde. Would that make me a traitor to the brunette community?)

Anyway, my purse is clean. Ish.

4) Finally finished decorating my room! Yay! Maybe I'll post pictures.

5) Teaching, teaching, teaching. I do not get along with 4th graders.

You know what? Five is a good number. Let's stop with five and spare you from having to read more about the monotonous minutiae of my life. (Did you love that alliteration? Yeah, I remember what alliteration means. Rock on.)

I hope your life has been just has exciting as mine has been. It's a constant party over in Julianna-land, I tell you. Seriously. I'm going to go vacuum up some of the confetti. Peace.

Chocol-ardiac Arrest

So, I took a little trip down memory lane the other day, and visited HomeStarRunner.com, a site that was all the rage when I was in high school. And I found this little gem: Strong Bad's Bottom 10. In honor of high school memories (and because some things bug me), here is my own "Bottom 10" list. Well, it's actually just a "Bottom 5" list because I'm lazy and not many things are bothering me today.

5) The use of the word "bling". Why are people still saying this word, particularly in serious settings? I'm baffled that the word has somehow abandoned the beefy, chain-wearing, gold-toothed gangsta-rappers who spawned it, and has now joined forces with sweet middle-aged scrapbooking women. "When it comes to scrapbooking, I'm all about the bling." (Actual quote, by the way. Seriously. Just google "bling scrapbooking" and you'll see the horrors.) *A shiver runs down my spine.* I don't know why, but I cringe when I hear someone use the word in a non-joking setting.

4) The following rhyming lyrics in songs:

Desire and Fire--I hate to break it to you, but you are not the first person to discover that those words rhyme. Even the Backstreet Boys figured that out.

Kiss and Miss--Yes, if you kiss me, you might miss me. But, considering that I'm wearing braces, the kiss might just be weird.


And, also, I dislike when bands shout out their name and the year the song was created. "This is Lunatic Fringe, 1996!!" Thanks, Fringe. Now, whenever I listen to your song I'm going to constantly think about how old it's getting, and how NOT COOL your band is. (P.S. I always thought Lunatic Fringe would be a good band name if I ever decided to become a heavy metal rocker. I just googled it, though, and it looks like other people had the same idea. Ooh! And it's also the name of a belly dancing shop! Anyone want to take up belly dancing?)

3) "Git 'er done." UGH. Larry the Cable Guy, you are not on my happy list. If I hear one more person yell this phrase and laugh because they think it's oh-so-funny, I will go all "Sydney Bristow" on them. No joke. (I also feel this way about Dumb and Dumber quotes and the song "Popular" from Wicked. Don't say those things around me. I'm a woman on the edge, and I will bust your kneecaps--in my mind, at least.)

2) The THX sound. I realize that everyone else loves this sound, but I can't stand it! My brain feels like it's going to explode. Seriously, if you wanted to torture me, you would just need to put me in a room where this sound was constantly playing, and then put a piece of chocolate cake just barely inches out of my grasp. I would cave in approximately 2.5 seconds. "Okay, I'll tell you what you want! Just make it stop!" *Hysterical sobbing.* (Maybe I shouldn't have told you all how to torture me....)

1) No chocolate cake. Can there be anything worse? Dismemberment? Nah. Death by shark attack? Nope. Starvation? No.... Wait. That means you don't have chocolate cake. YES! That's terrible!
Can you tell what's on my mind right now?

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

Today on our "Healthy Living Spotlight", which is a new feature on this blog, we are going to address a topic that has caused angst among old and young people around the world: Dating.

Dating can be very bad for your health. It's a fact. It can cause great mental anguish, weight gain, concentration problems, dangerous "twitterpation", and eventually turn you into one of these people .

Of course, sometimes dating can lead to marriage.

But most of the time, it just leads to this:

(Poor Dawson. It's okay. Dating is hard for all of us.)

So, in order to protect you fragile people from the dangers of dating, we here at the Hermit Association (HA) would like to provide you with some healthy alternatives to dating. Without further ado, here is our guide:

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

1) Become a philanthropist. It worked really well for Mother Teresa, after all. I'm pretty sure you will never hear anyone say, "Oh, that Mother Teresa. She could have been great if only she would have spent more time dating and found herself a man." Nope. She's the bomb, and you can be too! Want to know the secret? PHILANTHROPY! And having a super-awesome nun's habit. (Only $30 on ebay.)



We at HA salute you, Mother Teresa!

2) Get a dog! If you want undying devotion and affection, a dog is the perfect pet for you! Heaven knows they will always love you, unlike that jerk you're no doubt dating at this very moment. Just feed your dog some table scraps and he will love you for a lifetime (in dog years, of course.)

3) Go on a walkabout in Australia. Maybe you'll find him on your walkabout....*eyes glaze over while the author of this post sighs* OH. *snapping out of it* But, of course you won't date him, because dating is what we're trying to avoid. *Back pedaling* You'll shake his hand, say "G'day", and be on your way. You have a walkabout to attend to!

4) Stay at home and bash your head against a wall (preferably a sturdy wall). It won't last as long as a date, the pain will be less, and there will be fewer tears in the end.

5) Take up yodeling. We think that will keep you safe from dates, but it could have the opposite effect....

6) Spend several hours each day staring in the mirror telling yourself that it's okay that you're a twenty-something unmarried female living in Utah County. If you say this to yourself enough, it just might help combat the throng of married people who constantly elude to the fact that there is something wrong with you for still remaining unwed. It probably won't help, but it's a shot....

(That last one may not apply to all of you, but you can substitute some other phrase to boost your confidence.)


Well, thank you for tuning in to this edition of "Healthy Living". Remember, friends, there are several healthy alternatives to dating. Don't give in to peer pressure! We at HA are happy to assist you if you ever need a support group. Our call center is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.... We just can't seem to remember what the phone number is. Hmmm. Well, in the meantime, feel free to leave a note and we will be happy to help you out!

Love,

HA