Healthy Alternatives to Dating

Today on our "Healthy Living Spotlight", which is a new feature on this blog, we are going to address a topic that has caused angst among old and young people around the world: Dating.

Dating can be very bad for your health. It's a fact. It can cause great mental anguish, weight gain, concentration problems, dangerous "twitterpation", and eventually turn you into one of these people .

Of course, sometimes dating can lead to marriage.

But most of the time, it just leads to this:

(Poor Dawson. It's okay. Dating is hard for all of us.)

So, in order to protect you fragile people from the dangers of dating, we here at the Hermit Association (HA) would like to provide you with some healthy alternatives to dating. Without further ado, here is our guide:

Healthy Alternatives to Dating

1) Become a philanthropist. It worked really well for Mother Teresa, after all. I'm pretty sure you will never hear anyone say, "Oh, that Mother Teresa. She could have been great if only she would have spent more time dating and found herself a man." Nope. She's the bomb, and you can be too! Want to know the secret? PHILANTHROPY! And having a super-awesome nun's habit. (Only $30 on ebay.)



We at HA salute you, Mother Teresa!

2) Get a dog! If you want undying devotion and affection, a dog is the perfect pet for you! Heaven knows they will always love you, unlike that jerk you're no doubt dating at this very moment. Just feed your dog some table scraps and he will love you for a lifetime (in dog years, of course.)

3) Go on a walkabout in Australia. Maybe you'll find him on your walkabout....*eyes glaze over while the author of this post sighs* OH. *snapping out of it* But, of course you won't date him, because dating is what we're trying to avoid. *Back pedaling* You'll shake his hand, say "G'day", and be on your way. You have a walkabout to attend to!

4) Stay at home and bash your head against a wall (preferably a sturdy wall). It won't last as long as a date, the pain will be less, and there will be fewer tears in the end.

5) Take up yodeling. We think that will keep you safe from dates, but it could have the opposite effect....

6) Spend several hours each day staring in the mirror telling yourself that it's okay that you're a twenty-something unmarried female living in Utah County. If you say this to yourself enough, it just might help combat the throng of married people who constantly elude to the fact that there is something wrong with you for still remaining unwed. It probably won't help, but it's a shot....

(That last one may not apply to all of you, but you can substitute some other phrase to boost your confidence.)


Well, thank you for tuning in to this edition of "Healthy Living". Remember, friends, there are several healthy alternatives to dating. Don't give in to peer pressure! We at HA are happy to assist you if you ever need a support group. Our call center is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.... We just can't seem to remember what the phone number is. Hmmm. Well, in the meantime, feel free to leave a note and we will be happy to help you out!

Love,

HA

Musings On a Friday Night When I Should Just Go To Bed....

Every now and then, a hermit must take a break from her tantrums and switch to musing. It must be done. And, it just so happens that the urge to do so has hit me at 11:45 on a Friday night. Ah well. I must obey the Hermit Code and follow my instincts. (Note to self: Put "Write a Hermit Code" on the to-do list for tomorrow....)

Musing #1: Some names make good substitute swear words. (Ex. "What the Jeff?") Chekhov is an excellent name for this, because it sounds like a swear word all by itself. (Just say it. Chekhov!)

Musing #2: Twilight is most definitely a worse movie the second time through. I thought the movie was painful enough the first time, but the second time through is much worse. Mildly funny, but also mildly painful. The entire movie consists of two not-so-good actors staring deeply into each other's eyes while trying desperately to *feel* something. Is Edward sucking on a sour candy the whole movie? Possibly. How else could he keep that angst-ridden look on his face throughout the WHOLE BLASTED FILM?! Is Bella capable of spitting out a line without stuttering or pausing? Apparently not.

And, yes, the cheesy electric guitar is going to play in the background for the entire movie. Don't hope for it to end, because it won't.

Way to go, Twilight makers. Way to go.

Musing #3: What is the exact definition of "musing", anyway? Because I think I'm still just ranting....

And, there you have it. Now the urge to sleep has suddenly hit me. Well, I must obey the code after all, and the code clearly states that a hermit must go to bed when she feels the urge to sleep. (At least, that's what the code will say when I write it tomorrow...if the urge to do so hits me.)

Thoughts on Braces: Week 1

Yes, it's true. I finally bit the bullet, so to speak, and decided to fix my gappy teeth. So, that means I get to look like this for (roughly) the next twelve months of my life:



My apologies, but at this time I haven't released any photos with the new braces. The paparazzi is hounding me daily in a desperate attempt to capture a rare photo of my new smile, but I'm fairly adept at avoiding these pictures. (I watched a lot of "Home Improvement" as a child, and learned several tips from Wilson. Thanks, Wilson, for teaching me how to hide my face.)



Anyway, here are my thoughts about having braces, thus far:

Day 1) I was quite shocked at how relatively painless the whole process was. "This is it?" I thought. "This isn't bad at all! People are such whiners!" Of course, I didn't know what in the world to do with my mouth now that it was filled with a layer of ceramic and metal, but that was just fine. I could deal with that.

Day 2) Things were still great. I went to work, I could talk, had a fun night. Things were awesome. Once again I thought, "People are whiners! This isn't even that bad."

Day 3) I got my come-uppance, big time. I woke up and my lips were so swollen that I didn't even have dimples any more. I looked a little like Jack Nicholson's Joker from "Batman". I had this pained perma-grin on my face:


Not cute.

Day 4) Thoughts-- "Kill me now." "My mouth is on fire." "What was I thinking?"
On a positive note, I did lose about five pounds because I COULDN'T EAT ANYTHING!!!! Ha ha.

Day 5) "I AM GOING TO RIP THESE BRACES OUT ONE BRACKET AT A TIME!"

Day 6) #&$#*#*!!!

Day 7) Somehow, I found my inner chi and decided to respect the braces. I guess.

Secretly, I still want to rip them out of my mouth, but I'm trying to be a good girl. Plus, the brackets seem to be plenty willing to pop off on their own, so I don't even need to do anything.

Oh well. It will be worth it, right?

Just say yes, everyone. Humor me.

The Hulk

So, I finally found the cord to my camera (YAY!) and was able to upload some pictures. Woohoo! Anyway, I found this video from when my family came to visit Midland over the summer. Stephen and Mel get Kyle to do "The Hulk," which is a funny little trick. He tenses up, grunts, and his eyes get really big. Also, his parents teach him about kissing. It's cute.... Disclaimer--The narrator of this video (aka me) is very annoying. Pay no attention to her.

National Hermit Month!

Good news for all of you fellow hermits: January is National Hermit Month! Okay, so it's not official or anything, but it should be. I mean, what month could be more perfect than January to dig deep and get in touch with your inner hermit? There are so many reasons to put on your sweats, grab your Twinkies, and curl into the fetal position during this wonderful *cough* month. (Disclaimer: If you happen to be a hermit living in a non-cold area...like MIAMI, for example, some of these reasons may not apply. Also, I'm incredibly jealous and may exclude you from some of the hermit celebrations out of spite. No offense.)

1) For all of you Utahns--THE INVERSION!!
Yay! That's right, boys and girls. The mountains have trapped this lovely layer of smog in our valley, and we get to deal with it until...well, whenever. Woohoo! Not only does this mean our view will be impaired, but the air quality will be horrible and the temperatures will drop significantly.

Definitely a reason to crawl into your hermit cave and not come out until spring.

2) Cold temperatures in general. (I feel really bad for you, people in the Midwest.)

3) The current economic state...*shudder.*

4)...Actually, I'm done listing reasons. I'm just too excited to begin all of my National Hermit Month Celebrations!! You are more than welcome to come up with your own celebrations for this fantastic month, but I have my own schedule to follow.

Day 1: Stay at home.
Day 2: Stay at home.
Day 3: Watch a movie. Stay at home.
Day 4: Read a book. Eat some Twinkies. Stay at home.
Day 5: Drive to the store. Buy more Twinkies. Get out as quickly as possible and go back home.

Etc, etc.

Doesn't that sound exciting?!! Oh, I can't wait. ;-)

I hope you will join me in the festivities. (Of course, I'm not hoping that you'll join me literally. National Hermit Month should be celebrated alone, after all.)

Happy Hermit-ing!

Irritation for the Day

I am a procrastinator. I can't help it--I was born that way. ;-)

As a procrastinator, I don't enjoy worrying about things until I absolutely have to. In keeping with the spirit of my procrastinational (yes, I just invented that word) tendencies, I want to kindly inform the world of a few tidbits of information that should not be discussed until a later date:

1) Christmas. Actually, I don't mind talking about Christmas during any time of the year. I do, however, think Nov 1 is a little too early to start playing Christmas songs only on the radio. It's also too early to start airing the Christmas commercials--I can only handle the glitter and jingle bells for a limited time, and two months definitely exceeds my glitter-tolerance. And, Wal-Mart, please don't bring out the Christmas merchandise until the Halloween merchandise is at least stored in the warehouse or something. Please. Give Thanksgiving a little chance to shine, will ya? The turkeys, pilgrims, and Indians deserve their time in the spotlight, too.

2) The 2012 Presidential Race. Heavens. We've just spent the last two years being bludgeoned over the head with constant updates on political campaigns. Obama hasn't even moved his stuff into the White House yet, and already I'm listening to people interviewing Palin about her possible plans to run for president! BLEH! No thanks! 2012 is a long way away, my friends. The world could be over by then, for all we know. Let's focus on things that are a little closer...like Thanksgiving!! (Apparently I'm running Thanksgiving's campaign for "The Best Holiday Ever!" award. We don't plan on winning, but we're going to fight with all the strength we can muster!! That is, if we don't get put into a tryptophan coma first....)

That's really about it, for now. If anything comes to my attention, I'll let you know. It is my duty, after all, to stand up for the rights of the procrastinating public. Take care, friends. And enjoy Thanksgiving! I'm sure that it will be the best holiday ever! (Please ask all your friends to vote for it, and make sure you create several Facebook groups instructing all 800 of your friends to do the same.)

Lessons learned from a jeep

Gather around, kids. Your Aunt Julianna wants to tell you a little story about an adventure. So, let's start at the beginning....

Once upon a time, when I was a wee little kid, my dad used to get this suicidal look in his eye and he'd say, "Let's go for a drive up the canyon." In the innocence of my youth, I would say, "OKAY!" Then, he and my mom would load all six of us kids into the camper and take off on a drive up the mountain. (Just so you have an image in your mind, this is kind of what the camper looked like. Sorta. Ours was older, more "ghetto-ish," and more rickety.)


For the next several hours, I would suffer panic attacks as we drove up steep mountain trails located directly over precariously high cliffs. It didn't help that you could feel the camper swaying back and forth in the wind. It also didn't help that if you looked out the windows you could peer over the giant cliffs. Nope. That stuff didn't help at all.

Anyway, the point is that I have an itsy bitsy fear of falling off a cliff in a car. (I'm not the only one in the family who has that fear, isn't that right, Mel?)

Fast forward to the present day. A few of my friends and I wanted to go up the canyon and make a fire. Sounds fun, right? Well, not fun enough for my friend Griff. He wanted to take his parents' brand new jeep up the canyon for a drive.

Maybe I should have taken warning from the suicidal look in his eye, but I didn't. Instead, I said, "OKAY!!" And off we went. (Mind you, by the time we took off, it was already dark outside. That should have been another warning that it was not a good idea to go jeeping....)

We drove up to beautiful Silver Lake--



Of course, it didn't look like this to us because it was pitch black! Oh well. We started to get out of the jeep to decide where to build the fire, but then Griff said, "Let's keep going." What? "Yeah, let's go all the way up the mountain. We're in a jeep!"

So, we got back in the jeep and started driving up a tiny and incredibly rocky trail. I mean, not even my dad would have attempted this one. But, we were in a jeep, as Griff kept reminding us. So, we're invincible, right? Psht...

About halfway up the mountain, some people in our group started feeling sick, so we turned around to head back. Very carefully, Griff inched his way back down the mountain. Things were going very smoothly until we came across a particularly tricky spot. The trail veered sharply to the right, directly along the edge of the mountain. Griff backed up the jeep ever so slightly and started to turn, but unfortunately we didn't have enough room and the front of the jeep started to slide off the mountain.

(Imagine a dramatic flashback to all those past traumatic mountain drives of yester-year.)

Griff slammed on the breaks and we all carefully filed out of the jeep, which started to tip when the weight was displaced. So, we hopped on the back, ready to jump off if things went sour and the car slipped off the cliff. Griff tried to back up, but the tires were spinning, unable to get any traction in the thick dust.

Now, oddly enough, as I sat there inhaling dust and car fumes, I couldn't help but see the humor in the situation. I don't know why. Maybe I just laugh when I get into precarious situations. I just wasn't as afraid as I thought I should be.

To make a long story shorter, we all said a prayer for help, and immediately we knew what to do to get the jeep out of the mess. We put some sticks and cloth under the tire to give it some traction, and we were good to go.

So, kids, want to know the moral of the story? 1) Prayer really works. 2) You can always find humor in any situation. 3) If someone gets that suicidal look in his eye and suggests a nice drive up the canyon in a jeep, perhaps you should suggest a different activity.