Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Save the babies!

Once upon a time, I got a call from a local blood donation center, asking if I would come donate. I'm all for being a blood donor, because I'm super charitable like that. (Actually, I do it for the cookies. I just love free cookies.)

Anyway, I told the lady over the phone that I would be happy to come in and donate. And then she said, "That's wonderful! By the way, did you know that you are a baby donor?"


"I just thought you might like to know that we give your blood to babies!"


And that's how my addiction started. I mean, how can I say no to the babies? THE BABIES! Now I give platelets, though, so I can go every couple of weeks. Is it weird that I find that type of stuff enjoyable? I get to go sit there for two hours and watch a movie or read a book, while still feeling like I'm contributing to society. And then I get cookies. SCORE.

This recent time wasn't quite that enjoyable, though. Due to a series of unfortunate events, they had to stick me in both arms, and I look a bit like a druggie now. At least they were kind enough to coordinate (ish) my bandages with my shirt.

My arms hurt.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

An Urgent Plea

Dear ABC,

Please release all of the Whose Line Is It Anyway? episodes for purchase. Pretty please? I will buy them all. Every single one.

Thank you for your consideration.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Waffle Day!

Today was National Waffle Day. I hope you all planned accordingly.

If you forgot to make waffles, I have lots of orange waffle batter and buttermilk syrup left-over. Feel free to stop by and I will make you some.

Please. I have no job, and waffle-making is a lovely way to spend one's time.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Was That Necessary?

I was just driving down the road after church, listening to Mormon Tabernacle Choir music, and minding my own business. All of a sudden, the guy in front of me stepped on his brakes. I looked around him to see if there was something in the road or something, but no. Obviously, he was tapping on his brakes because he thought I was riding his bumper. I thought, "Oh. I didn't even realize I was following closely. How fast am I going?" The speed limit. So, I continued to go the speed limit. Sure, I was a little close to the guy in front of me, but whatever. If you're driving slowly, you should be prepared to be followed closely by those who would like to go the speed limit...or faster.

Well, anyway, the time came for me to turn off the road, so I pulled into the turning lane. Much to my confusion, the dude in front of me stuck his hand out the window to give me a nice, friendly, flipping off gesture.

That was a little dramatic.

Did I mention that the guy was wearing "church clothes"?

I hope his lesson today was on being Christlike.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Is it okay if we abolish, or at least boycott a few things? I realize there are so many things in this world that should be done away with, but world hunger is a little too hard to tackle at this exact moment. So, I'm going to start a little smaller.

For this week, I want us to make the world a better place by avoiding the usage of the following phrase:

"Git er done."

Yes, I know it's going to be difficult, but if we all make a pact to stop using the phrase in any shape or form, I know we can get one step closer to world peace. Or, at least the world will be a slightly less annoying place for me.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Those Are My Superhero Tights. I Fight Crime In Them.

My little brother is an aspiring film director. I am an aspiring "help my little brother become a film director" person. So, when he needs somebody to help him brainstorm ideas, I am more than happy to help.

Usually, my one big critique is that there aren't enough women in his movies. Like, we're talking zero main female roles. So I'm usually saying, "Hey, can a girl play that part?" "You could just have a girl do that." "Girl, girl, girl, girl."

It's only natural that this would come back to bite me. And that is how I found myself trying on a costume for a part in his latest independent film.


And, as I was trying on this costume, I remembered, once again, that my summer Bluebell goal has given me some beautiful love handles. (They're sort of like a trophy, in a way. Yes, friends! I bear the mark of one who has taken the Bluebell challenge!)

Naturally, upon noticing these badges of honor, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I decided to order some Spanx.

Now, I have never ordered Spanx, so I'm not really savvy about which particular product would be best to hide the Bluebell love. And, furthermore, since I'm pretty tall, I don't fit in any of their little size charts. So I decided to call customer service and have a nice "girl talk" with one of the employees there.

Imagine my surprise when Richard answered the phone.

I automatically felt so awkward. I don't want to be discussing slimming underwear with some guy. I don't know why it makes that big of a difference, but it does! Somehow it's okay to ask a girl which product she would recommend to suck in your ghetto booty, but I don't want to discuss panty lines and other such things with a dude.

And, frankly, I don't know why a guy would want to be working at a place that has a collection called "Bra-llelujah!"(I realize that a guy invented the bra, but still.) Look what the economy has done to us poor people. Guys are working at Spanx, I'm not working at all. It's just a cruel, cruel world.

Nevertheless, Richard was helpful, and managed to steer clear of that dreaded panty word. (I hate that word.) So, thanks to you, Richard. I hope you find a job at a sports hardware store soon.

(And, for those of you who don't recognize the title of this post, you need to hop over here and watch "Handsome Men's Club." There is some swearing involved, just so you know. Swearing aside, though, it's one of the funniest clips I've seen in awhile. Cheers.)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You've Failed Me For The Last Time!

I have officially been back in Utah now for over a week. My older brother got married on Saturday, so Grama Sue and I made the drive together to be here for the wedding. And I just have to say that my grandma is the best driving partner ever. Not only are we both fast drivers, but we also have excellent taste in music. So, speedy driving plus Styx music equals fun.

However, faulty Google Maps plus running wedding errands does NOT equal fun.

For those of you who have never driven in Utah, let me explain the address system to you. We have this handy dandy grid system that can be quite useful for finding addresses. Most addresses here are like this: 555 South 555 West. (I hope that's not a real address.) Anyway, if you need to find it, you just drive south until you hit 555, and then west until you hit 555. Pretty simple.

Unless, of course, some HoodyHoo decides to get all "creative" and name a street after something else.

"Hey! This sensible grid system is so boring. I'm going to name my street after something cool like...like...a bear or something. Yeah! Bear Lane! I'm sooooo creative."

And then some poor soul is stuck trying to find a house on Bear Lane, when she has no idea where Bear Lane is BECAUSE IT ISN'T PART OF THE GRID SYSTEM!!!

*Jules goes into a rage.*

*Jules calms down.*

You're probably thinking, "Jules, that's what Google Maps is for." Ah, my friends, I too once believed in the power of Google Maps. In fact, I trusted in Google Maps just the other day, as I was searching for a place called Prosperity road. But, after blindly following truly horrible directions and having to spend 45 minutes backtracking, I realized that my trust was wasted.

Darn you, Google! You have failed me for the last time. I'm going over to MapQuest.

And Prosperity Road? You suck. STICK TO THE GRID SYSTEM!!!


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