Friday, November 20, 2009

Robert: Round Two

Okay. I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about anything Twilight-related, but I have one more post to do. My deepest apologies, but I feel like I have to defend myself. Even though I realize no one will ever read this.

A little while back, I went on a tiny rant about Robert Pattinson being a huge sex symbol. I personally do not understand the hype behind the Twilight movies in general, and I certainly don't understand why Pattinson was chosen to play Edward Cullen, a character who is supposed to be the most handsome and perfect man ever, according to Stephenie Meyer. I just think Pattinson is blah. And, frankly, if he wasn't chosen to play the role of Edward, the entire world would continue to think he was just blah. But, because he happened to be cast as a character that millions of tweens and middle aged women have been fantasizing about for the past few years, Pattinson has become the obsession of millions.

Does no one else find this annoying?! And strange, for that matter? I think it's strange when women and men go up to Pattinson and ask him to bite them. Even stranger is that he actually bites them.

Friggin' creepy.

I'm going off on a tangent, though. Back to the point.

After I posted this little rant about Pattinson, I got a lot of comments from people who were obviously doing a Google image search for good ol' Rob. Since many of these comments are from Anonymous commenters, or from people who will never stop by my blog again, I won't have a chance to respond to their lovely comments. So, I might as well get it off my chest by blogging. :-) Teehee! Here's a random sampling of some of the more choice comments:

From Anonymous:

WTF EVER!! By looking at avatar pics, Pattinson looks waaaay better then everyone that has left a comment on this page!!I seriously doubt he would find any of you attractive either!!

haters!! pattinson is gorgeous.

First of all, I have no idea what "WTF ever" means. (And, I apologize for those of you who don't enjoy the phrase "WTF". I'm only quoting this time.) Secondly, I'm sure Robert Pattinson would NOT find me attractive. I definitely agree. But, I'm not the one doing a huge spread for Vanity Fair, am I?

(Can anyone say Special Needs? I think he's waiting for the short bus. But, I guess he's cute, if you like that sort of thing.)

When people start calling me the sexiest woman alive, buying posters of me, and fainting whenever my name is mentioned, then I fully expect to have hundreds of bloggers posting horrible pictures of me. (And, believe me, there are plenty to be had.)

From Anonymous:
Isn't this when he was wayy younger, and plus I agree photoshop, ROB IS HOT!

You caught me. I was using Photoshop to try to make Robert Pattinson look ugly, all as part of my evil smear campaign. That's what I do in my spare time, after all. I put the heads of celebrities on bodies of eight-year old girls. Then I giggle to myself. (Actually this is supposedly from a photo shoot he did when he was a lot younger. I'll give you that. And, truth be told, this very well could be some Photoshop mock up someone else did, but I can show you hundreds of terrible pictures of Rob that still bring my point across.)

And, finally, from Lola-Grace:

Robert Pattinson would NEVER pose for a photo if he looked like that, it's clearly photoshop. It's ridiculous that any of you actually believed that. And even more ridiculous that you would post a blog just to say you think someone is ugly. Would you honestly post a blog saying how ugly you thought your next door neighbour was? Pretty cruel really.

Thanks for your comment, Lola. I have a few things to say to you.

A) First of all, here are some more of these creepy young Rob in his underwear pics. It appears that he did indeed pose for them. And, yes, I realize that he's young, so he's obviously not going to be all sexy or whatever. I don't care! It's weird! (Of course, that's just from my 20 seconds of Google searching, so it could all be fake. I'm not going to devote any more research to that.)

B) Why do we have to point out that the bad photos of Rob are "clearly done with Photoshop"? Do you think this photo of him wasn't Photoshopped?

Or this?


I could just as easily say, "Oh, come on. I can't believe any of you actually believe he really looks like that. It's clearly Photoshop." I'm just saying.

C) Why is it so ridiculous to post about some not being attractive? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of blogs devoted to posting about how beautiful Robert Pattinson is. Is it really so ridiculous that I dedicate one post (okay, two and a half posts) to pointing out that Pattinson really isn't as attractive as all of the hype leads us to believe? Perhaps, but what might be even more ridiculous is to be searching for Pattinson pictures, and leaving comments on a random girl's blog. That might be even a little MORE ridiculous. Then again, it could be a little more ridiculous for me to be devoting an entire post to arguing with anonymous commenters. *Shrug* I could go on and on. The point is that you and I are both being a little ridiculous, Lola.

D) Finally, let me point out one more thing. I don't believe that it is cruel to say I don't personally think Robert Pattinson is deserving of all of the attention he is getting. He's definitely more attractive than the average person on the street, but he's an actor. It's part of his JOB to be attractive. And, no, I most likely would not post about my next-door neighbor being ugly for a few reasons:

--I don't think I even know what my next-door neighbor looks like. (Us basement-dwellers don't fraternize much with the Above-grounders.)

--I don't think that blog post would be entertaining. (It might, though, depending on how ugly my next-door neighbor is. If he looks anything like Sloth, I might have some blogging gold on my hands! Thanks for the idea, Lola!

--MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR IS NOT BEING HAILED WORLDWIDE AS A SEX SYMBOL!!! The minute that happens, I will definitely be blogging about it and posting several unattractive photos. Just you wait.

*Deep breath* Okay. I think I'm done. I guess I get a little irritated when people comment about how I could make the world a better place if I stopped being so cruel. This blog is entitled A Hermit's Ranting Tantrums, which connotes that it will be a collection of posts about things that bovver me. If you want something a little different, please feel free to visit my new blog. (Please go visit that "bovver me" link, by the way. Oddly enough, I think Jimmy Fallon is a more attractive Robert Pattinson than Robert Pattinson is.)

No worries. I'll get off the Twilight tangent before I post again. :-)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Silly Vampire.

Gather round, boys and girls. I just got back from watching the 9:00 am showing of New Moon, and you know what that means!

*Jules dusts off her movie soap box and climbs aboard.*

It's time for some good ol' movie reviewing!

Now, I wasn't originally intending to go see New Moon opening day. I was thinking I should wait until it came to the dollar movie, mainly so I didn't give any more of my pennies to support the Twilight Saga movie franchise. But, then I did a little checking on, and saw that New Moon got a whopping 29%. (That number has gone up a bit now, I see. I guess the midnight-showing people must have gotten online and boosted the ratings since last night.) Twilight, which was a horrible film, got a 49% on the same website.

Do the math. New Moon has a 20% lower percentage, which means that it has a 73% chance of making me laugh 43% more than Twilight did. Or it could just suck. Hard.

That's why it's better to go to an early bird showing and get a discount, right? Right.

How about I break it down into a pros and cons type of list, hmmm?

  • They got someone else to do the music, (Alexandre Desplat, who has done some good stuff with Golden Compass and Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and this really helped. My ears weren't assaulted by a constant drone of cheesy, over-dramatic 1980's electric guitar music. Instead, they got to listen to over-dramatic string music. And I am perfectly fine with that.
  • There was plenty of this in the movie:

  • Robert Pattinson wasn't in half the movie. Hooray!
  • Robert Pattinson was in half the movie. Boo! That meant you got to see a lot of this:

I'm having a hard time understanding why the producers decided that Edward Cullen, the vampire with the body that is supposedly chiseled out of marble, needed to keep his chest hair, while Jacob, the werewolf, got to be hairless. *Shrug*
  • Unfortunately, Kristen Stewart was in the whole movie. Of course, this could be a pro, if you're into that whole awkwardly delivering lines in a slow monotone voice thing. I'm just the type of person who appreciates good acting. Call me crazy.
Well, I'll stop now. But, I am going to leave you with the best New Moon spoof I've seen. Please watch the trailer first (which, coincidentally, is all you'll need to see to get the gist of New Moon), and then watch the spoof. It's great.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Gobble Gobble

So, it's no secret that I am not exactly the queen of domesticity. I'm pretty sure that if I wanted any chance at all to be allowed into the Royal Court of the Domestically-Inclined I would have to be the Court Jester or something.

Sometimes, I forget this. Today was one of those days.

I'm in charge of planning activities in my ward, and this week we decided to have a Thanksgiving Potluck. Guess who volunteered to cook the turkey? Guess who has no idea how to cook a turkey?

Oooh! Ooooh! Me!! Pick me!! *Jules jumps up and down, frantically waving her hand in the air.*

And, while I'm at it, why don't I make a sweet potato casserole? Yes. That sounds like a brilliant idea. This is going to be great, Jules.

(These must have been my thoughts, if I was thinking at all.)

And so it was that I found myself in the kitchen today, struggling to fit both a sweet potato casserole and a turkey in an oven that was too small. And this was after I a) realized that I don't own a potato peeler, b) realized that peeling sweet potatoes with a knife is hard, and c) realized that my lack of potato-peeling skills will likely keep me out of the army. Oh. I also realized that sweet potato peels clog up the garbage disposal.


No worries, though. I figured that all out and got everything cooked. Surprise: the turkey was so pretty...until I carved it.

Yes. Carved. That is an excellent word to describe how I delicately cut the succulent meat.

Who am I kidding? I brutally massacred it. I tried to be all delicate and junk, but then I just got frustrated, ripped the legs off and hacked the breasts off. It was a terrible scene of turkey carnage.

(I'm sorry for the graphic images that may have just been conjured up in your mind. I hope there are no children present. )

Despite all of this, the turkey ended up being a success! Hopefully the people in my ward don't all get salmonella. That would be nice.

Oh, and I hope you're reading this, Daddy, because you will be so proud of me. I figured out how to unclog the garbage disposal--all by mine self! (Well, with a little help from the internet, too.)

Am I still the Court Jester of the Domestic Court? Probably, but the whole thing could have gone a lot worse....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Oh, Imogen. I love you.

My love for Imogen Heap has increased ever so much.

If you don't know her stuff, you really need to go check it out. Go. Leave this blog, listen to some of her stuff, and report back to me.

Ok, you can stay if you want to. I don't mind. Imogen might not be your cup of tea, anyway. Here's an example of one of her performances, for those of you who haven't gotten to experience her live. (And, yes, her outfit is very different. Give her a break. She's "creative".)

She played a show on Thursday, and I am so happy I got to go. She was fantastic. I did have one problem with the show, though....

Drunk people.

I don't understand why you would pay to go to a concert and then pay more money to get completely wasted. Chances are you won't really remember the show the next day, and you're going to ruin the concert for the rest of the audience. I think one of the funniest parts of the show was when some girl in the audience got fed up with the large group of inebriated people, and shouted out "SHUT THE *&%$ UP!" Then Imogen smiled and, in her cute British accent, said, "I couldn't have said it better myself." I felt like I was back at a high school assembly.

Humans are strange.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Yay America.

Happy Veteran's Day, everyone.

I have a confession: Someone had to tell me it was Veteran's Day. I feel so unpatriotic.

In an effort to make up for this, I am posting this very patriotic image:

Go America! I love you very much.

As part of my penance, I have a few other confessions:

I ate six muffins today.

Yesterday, my poor depth perception got the best of me, and I sort of scraped my car along the side of the house. That was not my brightest moment.

I'm tempted to give all of my students an A just so I don't have to deal with complaints or questions. (Does that make me a bad person?)

I secretly hope that I can win tickets to the midnight showing of New Moon. Part of me wants to see it, but I would rather not support it with my money.

Alright. That's enough confessions for one day. Do you think I'm forgiven? Just in case, here's another patriotic video!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Just Haven't Met You Yet

Taren showed me this music video the other day. Love it! It's definitely my new theme song.

I have a few thoughts:

1) Michael Buble's facial expressions concern me. He's cute and all, but there's just something about the darn faces he makes. I constantly feel uncomfortable when I watch him sing.

2) Where is this grocery store, and why am I not shopping there?!

3) The man's pants at 3:34 are also very concerning. That cut is getting precariously close to the nether-region. I don't know which genius in the wardrobe department thought it would be brilliant to put a pair of ripped, butt-tight pants on a dancing man, but every time I watch this I can't help feeling that something disastrous could happen at any minute.

That's all, really.

Oh, and Michael? It's true--you haven't met me yet. But just you wait. Once I find that extremely awesome grocery store, it's going to be magical.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Somebody Needs A Time Out

I would like to know what Elizabeth Lambert was thinking during this soccer game. Did the BYU players steal Elizabeth's boyfriend? Call her mean names? Eat the last of the Rocky Road at the pre-game ice cream social?

I can almost hear her thoughts before she grabbed the girl's pony tail. "That was MY ice cream. MINE!"

Come now, Elizabeth. That was just uncalled for. Now, if it had been BlueBell Homemade Vanilla, that would be a different story.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

High Five!

I saw a very disturbing thing at Wal-Mart today. (I feel like that sentence is redundant. It would be surprising if I didn't see something disturbing at Wal-Mart.)

Anyway, let me introduce today's Wal-Mart wonder...

The "Gummy Candy Hand with Crunchy Bone Candy Inside!"
Yes, friends, this candy concoction weighs 1 1/2 pounds and is bigger than both of your hands put together. If you eat this whole thing, you will consume 1500 calories.

What the...?!

Who wants to eat a pound and a half of gummy candy shaped into a severed hand? And who wants to discover crunchy bone-shaped candy inside while they're munching on the flesh-colored gummy goo? Who sees that and thinks, "Oooh! Perfect. I'll pass this out to my trick-or-treaters. Or, perhaps I'll serve this to my guests at that classy Halloween shindig I'm throwing."

I mean, who in their right mind is going to buy such a useless.... Oh. It's 75% off? Well, I guess I could use this for something.

Damn you, Wal-Mart, and your falling prices.

Here we go....

Miracle of miracles! I sort of feel human today! Praise the Lord. I'm going to be very brave and attempt to teach some children today. The goal is to get through the day without throwing up, passing out, or bursting into tears. Lofty goals, I know.

I'm nervous. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

This is getting old.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get some antibiotics. Rock on. As I was leaving, they said, "If you don't feel better in 7 to 10 days, call us."

7 to 10 days? No offense, Doc, but if I'm not feeling better in a week, I think I'm calling Doctor Kevorkian instead.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm posting this picture before the paparazzi can publish it in the tabloids.

You know your neck is swollen when people actually notice it's fatter. I feel like all of the lymph nodes in my throat gave birth to new lymph nodes. Either that or my body is preparing to grow two new heads out of my neck.

Either way, I don't like it and I want it to stop.

On a good note, being sick means you don't have to get ready for the day, or care if you look like you just crawled out of some shallow grave.

Yes, I'm returning this movie to Blockbuster. Yes, I'm wearing pajama pants and flip flops and haven't done my hair or make up in three days. Got a problem?

My wonderful roomie just bought me push pops and ginger ale. That's true love right there. Thanks, Taren. I sure hope I don't give you this terrible virus, whatever it is.

This is my audition photo for America's Next Top Model. I hear Push Pops really want to sponsor next season.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Don't Judge Me. I'm Contaminated.


I might be going a little crazy. Other than a trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and a quick stroll around the neighborhood this morning, I haven't left this basement in two days.

That is not good for my health. Or productivity. CURSE YOU, SICKNESS!! While everyone else is out there being all cool and getting the H1N1 Virus, I'm getting Bronchitis and Strep Throat. That probably means I'll get the Swine Flu in February or something when it's totally out of style.

I'm always behind on these trends.

Oh well. The good thing about sickness is that it makes any type of hermit behavior seem normal and admirable, even!

"I didn't go to church today because I didn't want to infect the innocent and very special people in the ward." "Good for you. Way to look out for others."

I know. I'm frickin' Mother Teresa.

So, while I'm stuck in my basement, I'll take the opportunity to watch the first season of Heroes, which I have been planning on watching for a few years. I've watched 11 in the course of two days. Pathetic, right? What makes it even more pathetic is that the site I'm using to watch it gives you a time limit and informs you when you've exceeded that limit. "You have watched 72 minutes of this show. Please wait 54 minutes."

Nothing makes you feel worse than when your computer says, "Haven't you had enough, young lady? Maybe you should go do something productive for the next hour."

Shove it, Mac. And bring me a popsicle.


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